Today would have been the first day of my second trimester. This was supposed to be the week that we would be telling everyone our wonderful news. Instead, all I have left is grieving over what might have been. People keep telling me to stop counting the weeks. I can't stop. Every Monday is a reminder of what could have been, and I don't know how to stop thinking like that. This is already a very emotional week, and to make it even worse, Brian is gone for 8 days on a fishing trip in Canada. I know he is having a wonderful time, but selfishly, I wish he was here with me. It's just bad timing, I guess. I miss him so much, and I especially miss hearing his voice. He has been my rock through these difficult days. He is in a very remote area of Ontario, so he can't even call me to check in. This is the longest we've ever been apart in the 14 years we've been together. We have definitely never gone more than a day without at least talking on the phone. So, my emotions are all over the place right now.
I decided on Thursday that I am going to take a break from Facebook for awhile. Facebook is a constant birth announcement, or so it seems. I got home from a rough night at work on Thursday morning, and I decided to check Facebook for the first time in a couple days. Within 5 minutes of browsing my news feed, I saw two birth announcements and three pregnancy announcements. Those things have been difficult to see ever since we started this journey, but seeing all of that after a bad night at work was too much. As much as I enjoy Facebook and its ability to keep me connected with so many people, it's too difficult to see so many people enjoying the one thing I want the most but don't have ... a baby. I'm hoping this decision will make life a little easier for me right now.
One day at a time ...
Monday, May 28, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
muddling through the healing process ...
It's been two weeks and one day since my pregnancy ended. We are trying to find our way back to "normal". Some days are better than others. Mondays will always be hard, since they were my week marker. It's hard to believe that I would have been 10 weeks this week ... almost done with the first trimester. Mornings seem to be the hardest time for me ... I have been having vivid dreams that I am still pregnant, so waking up from those dreams is incredibly difficult.
I had my post-op follow up appointment with Dr. Nash yesterday. When he came into the room, he said that he didn't have any answers for me about the miscarriage. I assumed this was because the fetal tissue biopsy wasn't back yet. Sadly, he told me that the biopsy had been botched, and we would never have any answers. Apparently, fetal tissue that is being sent for biopsy must never have preservative added to it, because the tissue must continue to grow in the lab. For whatever reason, someone put preservative on my fetal tissue after the D&C, thus ruining the chance for the biopsy. Once the preservative has been added, nothing can be done. Dr. Nash was visibly upset about this, and he said that he personally spoke with everyone at the surgery center who was involved with my surgery. He said that no one is taking credit for the mistake. He believes that the preservative was not added at the surgery center (since they all know well not to do it), but that it happened at the lab at the hospital (the hospital where I work, ironically), where the tissue was sent for biopsy. I am very upset and disappointed that we will never have any answers about this miscarriage, however there is nothing that can be done at this point, and we just have to move forward. The appointment yesterday was pretty brief. He wants me to take a pregnancy test on May 20 to confirm that the pregnancy hormone is completely out of my system. That same day, I will begin 10 days of Provera, which is the medicine that induces a period. I will have a period about a week after the medicine is finished. About a week after my period, Dr. Nash wants to do a sonohysterogram (saline ultrasound) to make sure my uterus wasn't damaged from the pregnancy or D&C, and to make sure there is no residual fetal tissue remaining in my uterus. After that, we will sit down and have a long talk about where to go from here.
I am going back to work tonight for the first time in a month. I am thankful that I had the last two weeks off, because I got to spend some quality, healing time with my family. It will be strange to be back at work, knowing that the last time I worked, I was still pregnant. I hope I do ok. I cry a lot more these days (even when I try not to), and I hope I don't cry at work. We are just taking things one day at a time now ...
I had my post-op follow up appointment with Dr. Nash yesterday. When he came into the room, he said that he didn't have any answers for me about the miscarriage. I assumed this was because the fetal tissue biopsy wasn't back yet. Sadly, he told me that the biopsy had been botched, and we would never have any answers. Apparently, fetal tissue that is being sent for biopsy must never have preservative added to it, because the tissue must continue to grow in the lab. For whatever reason, someone put preservative on my fetal tissue after the D&C, thus ruining the chance for the biopsy. Once the preservative has been added, nothing can be done. Dr. Nash was visibly upset about this, and he said that he personally spoke with everyone at the surgery center who was involved with my surgery. He said that no one is taking credit for the mistake. He believes that the preservative was not added at the surgery center (since they all know well not to do it), but that it happened at the lab at the hospital (the hospital where I work, ironically), where the tissue was sent for biopsy. I am very upset and disappointed that we will never have any answers about this miscarriage, however there is nothing that can be done at this point, and we just have to move forward. The appointment yesterday was pretty brief. He wants me to take a pregnancy test on May 20 to confirm that the pregnancy hormone is completely out of my system. That same day, I will begin 10 days of Provera, which is the medicine that induces a period. I will have a period about a week after the medicine is finished. About a week after my period, Dr. Nash wants to do a sonohysterogram (saline ultrasound) to make sure my uterus wasn't damaged from the pregnancy or D&C, and to make sure there is no residual fetal tissue remaining in my uterus. After that, we will sit down and have a long talk about where to go from here.
I am going back to work tonight for the first time in a month. I am thankful that I had the last two weeks off, because I got to spend some quality, healing time with my family. It will be strange to be back at work, knowing that the last time I worked, I was still pregnant. I hope I do ok. I cry a lot more these days (even when I try not to), and I hope I don't cry at work. We are just taking things one day at a time now ...
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