Well, we are on our "break" from fertility treatments. As expected, time has dragged on, and I am feeling very antsy. It doesn't really feel like much of a break to me. Anyway, Dr. Schmidt instructed us to keep trying to get pregnant on our own. So, I used some ovulation predictor tests a week and a half ago, and sure enough, they indicated that I was going to ovulate. I was pretty excited about that, because I was just assuming that I wouldn't ovulate at all without the meds. So, I've been waiting the last week and a half, just hoping that there would be some sort of miracle and this might be our month. Naaaaaaaaaah. My period started last night. At work. Like it always does. Not surprised, and yet still very sad.
*note: I previously wrote a couple paragraphs here about an interaction with a coworker yesterday. I decided to remove those paragraphs because I am not sure who all reads this blog, and I didn't want to hurt any feelings.
I have at least 5 friends who have gotten pregnant in the last 6 months. Learning about each one has been incredibly difficult (no offense to any friends who are pregnant ... it's nothing personal, it's just so hard). I want so much to be happy for everyone, but instead I just find myself being sad for me. I hate that I can't get pregnant. So much.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
some answers
Well, we met with Dr. Schmidt today. He told us that he doesn't believe that IVF (using my eggs) is, or ever will be, a viable option for us. In order to do IVF, I need to be able to grow a minimum of 8-10 mature follicles in a cycle, and the most I've ever grown is 3. There are several steps in the IVF process, and with each step, some eggs usually die. If we start with only 3 eggs, there won't be any left to put back into me. He believes that even with stronger doses of the injectible meds that I've taken before, my ovaries will not respond appropriately. He said that the decision is ultimately up to Brian and me, but he thinks that it will be a waste of time, money, and our mental health. As hard as that was to hear, I appreciate his honesty, and Brian and I agree with him.
When I asked him what could have caused my ovaries to fail so prematurely, he said that he believes it was the radiation treatment. Even though I have suspected that all along, it was still very hard to hear. I fought back tears at that point. My voice got shaky, as it always does when I am trying not to cry. I hate that. He is not concerned about the quality of my eggs (he said that age is the main determinant of egg quality, and I am not old enough yet for my egg quality to be reduced), but he is concerned about the quantity of eggs that I have left. The radiation treatment most likely caused my ovarian reserve (number of eggs in the ovaries) to be depleted, leaving me with a low number of remaining eggs. The two blood tests (AMH and FSH) that I discussed in previous posts are the two main indicators of ovarian reserve. My AMH is extremely low (I learned today that my value is actually <0.16, which is the lowest value possible), and my FSH is very high (mine is 21.4, and the paperwork from the lab indicates that a postmenopausal level is >25), and this is how Dr. Schmidt knows that my ovaries are failing. Still, my ovaries are not quite menopausal yet, so there appears to be a glimmer of hope ...
Dr. Schmidt said that we really have two options at this point ... IVF with donor eggs or a few more cycles of IUI. He said that my ovaries responded well enough (although not great) to the injectible meds with IUI, and he believes that I will continue to respond well enough. He said that this is really the only option we have left to conceive with my eggs. He said that my chances of getting pregnant are significantly lower now that my ovaries are failing (yet another thing that was difficult to hear ... cue the shaky voice), but he still believes it is possible. Brian and I both agree that we should do a few more cycles of IUI. If there is any possibility that we can still conceive a child with my eggs, then we are all for it.
For now, Dr. Schmidt highly recommends that we take a break for a few months. He said that a break will be very good for our mental health, since he understands the emotional toll that this has taken on us. When I shared concerns about my time running out, he said that a few months won't make a difference. He said that he wouldn't recommend taking a whole year off, but a few months will be good for us. I suppose I agree with that. He said that a handful of couples have gotten pregnant on their own during their "breaks". While I am not getting my hopes up for that, I certainly can't think of a better ending to this whole journey.
So, we are going to take a break and regroup. I'm thinking we will take a break for maybe 2 months and then start back up again. We will try 2 or 3 more cycles of IUI (assuming that I continue to respond to the meds), and see what happens.
I expected to feel some sense of relief after meeting with Dr. Schmidt today. To be honest, all I feel now is very, very sad. I guess we just need to move forward and hold onto the hope that a miracle could still happen for us ...
"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
When I asked him what could have caused my ovaries to fail so prematurely, he said that he believes it was the radiation treatment. Even though I have suspected that all along, it was still very hard to hear. I fought back tears at that point. My voice got shaky, as it always does when I am trying not to cry. I hate that. He is not concerned about the quality of my eggs (he said that age is the main determinant of egg quality, and I am not old enough yet for my egg quality to be reduced), but he is concerned about the quantity of eggs that I have left. The radiation treatment most likely caused my ovarian reserve (number of eggs in the ovaries) to be depleted, leaving me with a low number of remaining eggs. The two blood tests (AMH and FSH) that I discussed in previous posts are the two main indicators of ovarian reserve. My AMH is extremely low (I learned today that my value is actually <0.16, which is the lowest value possible), and my FSH is very high (mine is 21.4, and the paperwork from the lab indicates that a postmenopausal level is >25), and this is how Dr. Schmidt knows that my ovaries are failing. Still, my ovaries are not quite menopausal yet, so there appears to be a glimmer of hope ...
Dr. Schmidt said that we really have two options at this point ... IVF with donor eggs or a few more cycles of IUI. He said that my ovaries responded well enough (although not great) to the injectible meds with IUI, and he believes that I will continue to respond well enough. He said that this is really the only option we have left to conceive with my eggs. He said that my chances of getting pregnant are significantly lower now that my ovaries are failing (yet another thing that was difficult to hear ... cue the shaky voice), but he still believes it is possible. Brian and I both agree that we should do a few more cycles of IUI. If there is any possibility that we can still conceive a child with my eggs, then we are all for it.
For now, Dr. Schmidt highly recommends that we take a break for a few months. He said that a break will be very good for our mental health, since he understands the emotional toll that this has taken on us. When I shared concerns about my time running out, he said that a few months won't make a difference. He said that he wouldn't recommend taking a whole year off, but a few months will be good for us. I suppose I agree with that. He said that a handful of couples have gotten pregnant on their own during their "breaks". While I am not getting my hopes up for that, I certainly can't think of a better ending to this whole journey.
So, we are going to take a break and regroup. I'm thinking we will take a break for maybe 2 months and then start back up again. We will try 2 or 3 more cycles of IUI (assuming that I continue to respond to the meds), and see what happens.
I expected to feel some sense of relief after meeting with Dr. Schmidt today. To be honest, all I feel now is very, very sad. I guess we just need to move forward and hold onto the hope that a miracle could still happen for us ...
"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
big day
This afternoon at 4:00 is our appointment with Dr. Schmidt. This will be the first time I've been in his private office (as opposed to an exam room) since we started this journey on July 7, 2010. My cancer follow-up appointments every six months (where I have an ultrasound of my neck and go over blood work results to find out if my cancer is back or has spread) are nervewracking, but I have never been as worked up about going to a doctor's appointment as I am about this one. Since last Thursday, I have been trying to prepare myself to hear Dr. Schmidt say that my only chance for getting pregnant is with donor eggs. I still don't think I am ready to hear it. I am thankful that Brian will be there holding my hand ... no matter what Dr. Schmidt says, we will get through it. I need to keep reminding myself that if we truly want to be parents (we do!), we will figure out a way to do it. One of life's toughest lessons is that things don't always go the way we planned. I will update later ...
"The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it." ~C.C. Scott
"The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it." ~C.C. Scott
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)