I would have been 32 weeks pregnant this week. Yes, even now, I still think about that milestone each Monday. I realize it's been several months since I last posted. To be honest, I have started posts quite a few times and never finished them. It's been too hard. It's true that time heals, but it never forgets. As the weeks pass, the pain numbs a bit ... doesn't feel as raw ... but it is still there. Even on a really good day, I still have that sadness in my heart. I wonder if that will ever go away. I'm guessing it won't. Maybe it will just continue to fade as the days fade away, and maybe someday I won't cry every time I hear that someone is pregnant or see baby pictures on Facebook. Maybe someday I will even be able to go to a baby shower again. I hope so. I don't like feeling sad. I am by nature a happy person. April 25th stole some happiness from my heart that will never be replaced.
Brian and I just got back yesterday from a wonderful long weekend in Wrightsville Beach, NC. We went there to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary. My parents' dear friends, Julie and Roger, graciously offered us their condo at the beach for a getaway, and we had a fantastic time. There were definite moments of sadness when I thought about how big my belly would be getting at this point, how I would be feeling the baby kick often, and how this trip would have been a babymoon for us, but we still enjoyed ourselves and it was so nice to get away.
We have decided that we are going to do one more IVF cycle using my sister's eggs. Heather has graciously agreed to be our egg donor again. We aren't sure of the exact timing yet, but we are hoping it will be sometime in the next 6 months. I have decided that I am not going to post the details here like I did last time. Actually, I am going to continue to blog here, but I am going to make the posts private until I reach the beginning of my second trimester (assuming all goes well). As much as I appreciated all the love and support when things ended sadly, it was so hard to have to tell so many people our sad news. So, I think this is for the best. I have to be honest and say that I am terrified for this journey. Knowing how heartbreaking it is to miscarry, and knowing what an emotional roller coaster the whole thing will be, it somehow seems harder to do this a second time. But, we both desperately want a baby, and we want to give this one last try. I hope to update with a very, very happy post sometime in the not-too-distant future. :)
