still here.

This pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling right now. We've been taking a break from all things fertility and infertility. After a year and a half of spending practically every waking minute focused on trying to get pregnant, we've spent the last couple months trying to focus on everything but trying to get pregnant. We just needed a break. We were exhausted. Getting pregnant has not left my thoughts for the last couple months, but I have tried to not talk about it as much. Somehow, that helps me try to convince myself that I am focusing on other aspects of my life. While trying to focus on other things, I still somehow held onto the hope that the unthinkable might happen and I might get pregnant on my own. Unfortunately, I don't even have periods anymore (except when they are induced by fertility meds), so that doesn't seem to be in the stars for us. We celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary by taking a trip to Bar Harbor, Maine a couple weeks ago. It rained the whole time we were there, but we still had a wonderful time. As I enjoyed a glass of wine or a margarita on vacation, all I really wanted was to not be able to have those drinks because I had a baby growing in my belly. 

I'm ready to focus on having a baby once again. I had a chance to spend time tonight with two amazing babies (Brandon, the almost 10-month-old bruiser with a head full of black hair and the most munchable cheeks and thighs I've ever seen, and Iris, the 6-month-old petite peanut with the prettiest smile and dimples ever), and that definitely made me jump right back on the bandwagon. :) My sister, Heather, has told me once again that she absolutely wants to be our egg donor, and Brian is on board with this. So, it looks like that is the direction we will go. As much as I would like to do this with CCRM, it just doesn't seem feasable. None of us (Brian, Heather, and I) have the ability to "drop everything" at our jobs and fly off to Colorado at a moment's notice, which is how it would be. The stress of trying to orchestrate that would certainly not be conducive for trying to get pregnant, anyway. So, we are going to go with Dr. Schmidt. I trust him completely and know that he is an excellent doctor. I have to schedule an appointment for Heather with Dr. Schmidt, so that is the next step. We will go from there. This is a very costly venture, though I certainly cannot put a price tag on having a baby. That said, we are trying to figure out how to come up with the money to pay for this. As great as our insurance benefits have been thus far in the infertility journey, they all but stop once donor eggs come into play. I have gotten mixed information on what is and is not covered going forward, but the general consensus is that the majority of this will be out of pocket. The general ballpark figure seems to be around $15,000 - $20.000, for everything (procedures, meds, appointments, and labwork for Heather and me). That is for one cycle. We will also have to pay to store any extra embryos (for possible future babies) as well as future IVF cycles with the aforementioned embryos. 

So, things are moving forward, and I am wishing and hoping that 2012 will be the year that we get our miracle baby and become parents ...