new year, new hope ...

Hi there! It's been awhile since my last post. When I last posted, Heather and I had both just had blood draws. My blood draw was to check my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone), and Heather's was to check her AMH (anti-Mullerian hormone, which is a very accurate predictor of ovarian reserve). If you recall, her AMH was on the low side when it was checked before our IVF cycle last Spring.

Sadly, Heather and I both got bad news from the blood results. My TSH was very high (~13) ... TSH in a metastatic thyroid cancer patient (me) should be less than 0.5. Because my TSH was so high for no apparent reason, there was some concern that my cancer may be back. Dr. Nash referred me to my endocrinologist (the doctor who manages my thyroid cancer), and she increased my Synthroid dose. She also told me to come back at the end of November for a recheck of my TSH. She advised me to hold off on trying to get pregnant until we make sure my TSH is back to normal. Getting pregnant with a high TSH level puts a woman at a very high risk for miscarriage.

We also found out that Heather's AMH is now very low. Dr. Nash said that we would probably have about a 10-15% chance of getting pregnant using her as our egg donor (vs. a 65-70% chance by using a donor with healthy eggs and good ovarian function). This news is incredibly sad ... not just for Brian and me, but also for Heather and her partner, Steve. If they decide to have children at some point, they may have some difficulty. Dr. Nash doesn't have any idea why Heather has unexplained infertility. So, we made the difficult decision to not use Heather as our egg donor again. As much as we wanted to, we all agreed that it would be too heartbreaking if the outcome was bad.

I went for my TSH recheck at the end of November. Thankfully, my TSH is back down to "normal" ... it came back at 0.363. Dr. Sipos (my endocrinologist) thinks that my high TSH in October may have been a lab error, because it's unlikely that the level would have come down so much in just 6 weeks. So, I worried a lot during those 6 weeks, but I am so happy that I have one less thing to worry about now.

We've been in limbo since November. As par for the course for this whole journey, we once again have to figure out a new plan. One of my dear friends has offered to be our egg donor, which is such an incredible, selfless thing to do. We haven't decided yet if we are going to go with her or if we will just go with an anonymous egg donor. Either way, we are planning to try IVF one more time, hopefully sometime in the next few months. We have decided not to pursue adoption at this point. So many people keep asking me "why don't you just adopt?". Adoption is a very long, complicated process, with no guarantee of a child. In our minds, adoption would be like starting a whole new journey from the very beginning, and to be completely honest, we're not sure if we have the energy to do that. We have been on this infertility journey for 4 long years, and we are mentally exhausted. We are hopeful that this one last IVF cycle will give us the baby we have been dreaming of for so many years. If it doesn't work out, then we are going to have to figure out a way to move on as a childless couple. I hope with everything in me that we won't have to go there.

Please think good thoughts for us as we begin this last part of our journey. We are so, so, so hopeful that 2013 will be our year ... the year we become parents at long last.