the end of a dream.

I had my phone consultation with Dr. Schoolcraft (founder of Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine) yesterday at 5PM. He was incredibly nice. We talked for about a half hour. He asked me to tell him about my infertility journey, so I did. When I was finished, he told me that he agrees with everything that Dr. Schmidt has done with us, and he also agrees that there is nothing more we can do with my eggs. He said that he has seen a surprising number of thyroid cancer patients in the last few years who are not able to conceive. He is certain that the radiation treatment is the cause of this infertility. He told me that my only chance to get pregnant is with donor eggs. Although some part of me already knew this to be the case, it was still heartbreaking to hear him confirm my worst fear. I had to leave for work right after I hung up with him, and I had a crazy busy night at work, so I didn't have a lot of time to let all of this really sink in. It's sinking in now. I can't believe that I will never be a biological mother. I feel like a failure ... not just as a mother, but also as a wife. My broken body can't give Brian a baby. I am so incredibly sad. As much as I tried not to get my hopes up about yesterday's phone call, I really did have hope that Dr. Schoolcraft would be able to help me. Infertility is such a roller coaster of hope and disappointment ... two extremes that mix and mingle on a regular basis. I'm tired of the disappointment. I am feeling such regret about not trying to have a baby when we were younger. What were we waiting for?! Oh, if I only knew in my 20's what I know now ...

So, Brian and I have some big decisions ahead of us. Should we pursue donor eggs? Should we use the eggs of someone we know, or someone we don't and will never know? Should we go to Dr. Schmidt (who only does 20-30 donor egg cycles per year), or should we go to Dr. Schoolcraft (who does over 200 donor egg cycles per year and has the highest success rate in the country (90-95%) for donor egg cycles)? So many decisions. My head is spinning, and I just want to stop thinking about all of this for awhile. For now, I just need to figure out how to say goodbye to my dream and start our next journey ...