I really wish I could feel more optimistic right now ...

I had my 7 days post-ovulation progesterone blood draw on Monday. My doctor's office tells everyone that no news is good news regarding these blood level results, so my heart sank when my doctor's phone number showed up on caller ID on Tuesday morning. Sure enough, my progesterone this time was only 5.2. Last month it was 17. Technically, anything over 5 means that ovulation occurred, but I just don't understand why mine was so much lower this time. The nurse on the phone tried to reassure me that this doesn't mean I'm not pregnant ... it just means that if I'm not pregnant, I will have to take double the dose of clomid next time. That means double the cost, double the side effects, and most importantly, I am heading farther down the road to clomid failure. Because of the potential long-term effects of clomid (ovarian and endometrial cancers are the ones that stand out in my mind), I won't be taking it for more than 6 months. This means that I am 1/3 of the way to clomid no longer being an option for me.

I made the mistake of taking a pregnancy test last Friday (only 4 days post-ovulation). I was over the moon giddy when I saw that faint pink "pregnant" line. Of course, I didn't realize until a few hours later that of course it was pink ... I gave myself an HCG injection 6 days earlier. Pregnancy tests detect HCG, so obviously it picked up the HCG that was still in my system from the injection. Needless to say, I came crashing down from cloud nine pretty quickly after I had that realization. I promised myself I wouldn't take anymore pregnancy tests until at least the middle of this week. I held off until this morning, and of course it was negative. Technically, I am not supposed to take a test until Monday (5 days from now). I have had cramps for the last couple days. I have a nagging feeling they are menstrual cramps, not pregnancy cramps. If this month goes like last month, I will start my period on Friday, just as I start my 3 days in a row at work. I am just feeling so pessimistic right now. I am starting to wonder if I am ever going to be able to conceive a child. I don't know how people go through this for months and years. It is so heartbreaking going through this every month. I know we've only been doing clomid and timing everything for 2 months, but we tried to get pregnant for several months before that, too. I am normally such a "glass half full" kind of girl, but my glass is definitely looking half empty to me right now.