no period, but not pregnant :(

Well, my period never started. Silly me got all excited that I might actually be pregnant, despite knowing deep down that I really didn't ovulate this month. I realize this seems pretty irrational, but I was so hopeful.

I spoke with one of the nurses yesterday, and she wanted to start me on Provera, which is a medicine that induces a period. I asked if I could have a beta hCG (the pregnancy hormone) blood level drawn, just to make sure I'm not pregnant. She agreed this was a good idea. So, I had the blood draw yesterday and got the phone call this morning. The test was negative. As much as I think I knew that was coming, I was still crushed.

So, I started my 10-day course of Provera today, and my period will begin when that is finished (usually a few days later). That means two weeks delay until my next cycle begins. I try to be a patient person in life, but when it comes to this infertility stuff, I am far from patient. Needless to say, I will be anxious for the next two weeks to come and go. Fortunately, Brian and I are going on a trip to New York City at the end of next week, to celebrate our 9-year anniversary (earlier this month) and Brian's 40th birthday (next week). It will be nice to get away and get this infertility nightmare out of my mind for a few days ... who am I kidding ... it will never leave my mind, but at least I will be having fun and distracting myself with other things.

I also confirmed the mail order for the Follistim and Novarel (HCG) today. They will be shipped on ice overnight tomorrow (delivery is free!), and they will be waiting patiently in my refrigerator until I am ready for them in a couple weeks.

So, that's the story. I am feeling sad tonight. I was so hoping this would be the month I got pregnant, but it wasn't meant to be. I continue to be amazed at how consumed I am with trying to get pregnant. It's all I have focused on for several months, and I feel like it's all I think about. I wish there was a way to not be like this, but I don't know how. I would imagine that others who are struggling with infertility go through the same thing. I have thought about joining an online support group, but I am not sure if I want to. When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2008, I joined every online support group I could find. I ended up leaving all of them after a few months because they just left me feeling depressed. I am afraid this would be the same way. We'll see. Time to move on to the next cycle ...