hope

In my last post, over a month ago, I said that my period was supposed to start any day. Well, it never did start. Since my ovaries don't work very well anymore, my periods are extremely irregular and can be few and far between. This is a cruel twist of fate when trying to get pregnant, because it leads to false hope that there might actually be a pregnancy. Subsequently, I spent way too much money on pregnancy tests in the last month. Needless to say, I have had more than my share of "Not pregnant" and "-" results. A couple weeks ago, I decided to call Dr. Schmidt's office regarding my period not starting. Carol (awesome nurse) called in a prescription for 10 days of Provera, which induces a period within two weeks of starting the med. My period started yesterday (5/17). I talked with Carol this morning, and I will be starting the meds tomorrow ... four days of estrogen-blocking pills followed by an undetermined number of days of injectible meds. My first ultrasound will be next Friday (5/27). As hard as I am trying to not get my hopes up, they are already in the clouds. I can't help it. I have this fantasy that my ultrasound next week will show lots of follicles ... enough to transition this cycle into an IVF cycle (Dr. Schmidt mentioned at our appointment in early March that this is a possibility, although slim ...). That would be amazing. I wish there could be some way to stay emotionally detached from all of this and not get my hopes up at all, but I don't think I'm made that way. I always try to find a glimmer of hope in any situation, and I'm holding onto that glimmer right now.

So, our "break" is officially over. I feel excited, hopeful, and scared. As much as Brian and I needed the "break" from fertility stuff, I felt lost and in limbo the whole time. For the last couple months, I have been avoiding friends with kids (especially babies), because it's just been too hard to be around them ... self-preservation, I guess. I feel like I have been a bad friend, especially to several friends who have recently had babies or gotten pregnant. I think this must be hard to understand for anyone who has not struggled with infertility, but I am hoping for understanding and forgiveness.

I guess that's all for now. I will update after the ultrasound next Friday. Any and all positive thoughts and energy are always appreciated. :)