big fat negative :(

Today was the big pregnancy test day. I was beyond excited that I made it to the test day without my period starting. My cramps from Friday seemed to subside over the weekend, and I began to think they were pregnancy cramps instead. I got more and more excited as the weekend went on. I even bought the extra expensive pregnancy tests this time ... the ones that actually say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" instead of just the one or two lines. I was so sure this was the month that I would see "pregnant". It wasn't meant to be. The test was negative. When "not pregnant" showed up on the little screen, my heart sank. As always, my hopes and excitement were crushed very quickly. I called my doctor to report the negative test. My voice shook as I told the nurse my sad news. She was sad for me and said "it gets harder every month, doesn't it?". She couldn't have said it more perfectly. It truly does get harder and I feel sadder every month. The nurse told me to go get a blood draw today just to confirm. I did that this afternoon. So, tomorrow I will know for sure. I am very sad today.

I hate cramps

Well, it's about that time when I stop feeling so optimistic and can no longer ignore those dull, all-too-familiar cramps. I started to feel them yesterday and kind of denied that they were there. Today, they are hard to deny. I have a feeling 1/1/11 may not have been such a lucky day after all ... :(

good books about infertility

I forgot to add in my last post that I have been reading some really good books that deal with infertility. I have read one in its entirety, and skimmed the other two (with the intention of reading them soon), and I have been very happy with all three. It is very comforting to read that others have been in my shoes and ended up getting pregnant. I also learned some new things (this was a pleasant surprise, because I have researched infertility ad nauseum on the internet). In case anyone reading this is struggling with infertility or knows someone who is, here are the titles (and links to the books at Amazon):

Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother

Navigating the Land of If: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options

So Close: Infertile and Addicted to Hope

Happy New Year!

Insemination went well this morning. We arrived at the lab at 7:30, and Brian went in to do his thing. :) I waited in the car. It's fun to people watch during this time. We were one of the first cars to arrive, so I watched several others pull into the parking lot after Brian went in. With each car that arrived, I watched a guy get out and head inside while his partner stayed in the car.

*Going off on a tangent for a minute or two ... this whole process is so surreal to me. Guys really have it easy (relatively speaking, since I know for certain that no part of dealing with infertility is easy) in this whole infertility journey. They get to do something that is enjoyable, while we girls have to endure quite a bit. Each cycle, there are at least 5 internal ultrasounds (each of which is very unpleasant, and no matter how many I've been through, I always dread them), and each ultrasound is preceded by a walk to the lab next door to have blood drawn. Then, there's the actual insemination process. While I wouldn't call it painful, it's certainly not very comfortable to have a catheter inserted through the cervix and up to the top of the uterus. Oh, and don't forget all of the side effects from the numerous medications ... severe moodiness (poor Brian is so patient with me), bloating, cramps, hot flashes so bad that I want to jump out of my skin, emotional swings, etc, not to mention daily injections in the belly. Don't get me wrong ... every minute of this will be worth its weight in gold if I get pregnant. And then there's the month-to-month emotional roller coaster ... each cycle starts out with so much hope and optimism, which ebbs and flows until insemination. Leaving the office after insemination, I feel so incredibly optimistic, and while I'm telling myself over and over not to get my hopes up, of course my hopes are up in the clouds. Then, the agonizing 2+ week wait begins. Those days drag like you wouldn't believe. Then comes the devastation of seeing that dreaded red spot on the toilet paper or in my underwear, even before the big pregnancy test day arrives. The crushing realization that another cycle has resulted in complete failure is such a sad and lonely place to be. Oh, how I long for the month when I actually reach the pregnancy test day without bleeding, and oh.my.gosh, see a BIG FAT POSITIVE!!!! Oh, the tears of joy will flow. I am getting teary just thinking about that day. Even in my darkest moments of this journey, I DO believe that day will come for me. I have to keep believing. Once I stop hoping and believing, this journey becomes futile. *End of tangent (even though I could go on and on ...)


So anyway, about 20 minutes later, Brian came out and got in the car. I never quite know what to ask him about his experience in the lab. He answers my questions, though some answers come more reluctantly than others. :) In any event, that part is done, and it's time to go have some breakfast and hang out until we have to be back to the office at 9:00. We went to a nearby Bob Evans and enjoyed a leisurely breakfast. We headed back to the office at about 8:45, and sat in the waiting room with about 8 other couples. I have to say that this whole experience has brought Brian and me so much closer. Our relationship has reached a new level since we started this journey. Dealing with infertility has certainly brought us sadness and stress, but I feel like we have bonded so much, too.

After about a half hour, the nurse called us back, we went to a room, and I did the usual "strip from the waist down and sit on the exam table with the paper sheet over my legs". Dr. Schmidt came in a few minutes later with the vial of liquid gold. :) He is such an amazing doctor. He has such a calm, comforting nature, along with a great sense of humor. He is terrific, and I am so thankful that he is leading us through this journey. So, it was time for me to assume the position ... one foot in each stirrup and all my girl parts exposed. ;) He inserted the speculum (he warms it up first, which is really such a nice little touch) and then inserted the catheter and slowly injected Brian's super sperm (as Dr. Schmidt calls it!) into my uterus. Then, he gave me some parting instructions ... "Lay here for 10 minutes, and the next time I see you, I want to be doing an ultrasound to look at your placenta and growing embryo". :) That sounds like a good plan to me!

So, I will have my blood drawn next Saturday (1/8) to check my progesterone level. I just remembered that I meant to ask Dr. Schmidt about taking progesterone supplements, since my progesterone has been low the last few cycles. I completely forgot to ask him today. :( So, I will call on Monday. Hopefully it won't be too late to start taking them at that point. The big pregnancy test date is January 18th. :)

Brian said to me when we got home today, "Wouldn't it be cool if we conceived our baby on 1/1/11?". Yes, it would be very cool indeed. The only thing left to do is lots of hoping and believing for the next 17 days ...

one big, fat follicle! :)

I had an ultrasound this morning, and Dr. Schmidt said that my follicle is ready! He is very pleased with the size of the follicle, and my estradiol levels have been increasing appropriately with each blood draw, too. Oh, how I hope this will be the month! I will be giving myself the Novarel injection (to induce ovulation 36 hours later) tonight around 9:00 PM, and Brian and I have to be at the office at 7:30 on Saturday morning for insemination. Yes, they are open on New Year's Day! When the nurse called me this afternoon with the instructions for Saturday, I told her that I can't believe they are open on New Year's Day. She said that they are open every day of the year except Christmas morning. I couldn't believe it! I am hoping that January 1st is a lucky day for insemination. It's the very first day of a brand new year. So, it looks like I will be taking a pregnancy test on January 18th or 19th. Fingers and toes crossed that this is our month!!!

new cycle and trying to stay hopeful

I saw Dr. Schmidt on Thursday (12/16) for my baseline ultrasound. He could see the old ovulation sites on my ovaries, so I did ovulate last month. He decided to try something a little different this month. Instead of starting the Follistim injections that day, he had me take an oral medication from Thursday through yesterday. The medication is called Femara (http://www.femara.com), and it is in a category of drugs called aromatase inhibitors. The drug is indicated for breast cancer patients, because it reduces the amount of estrogen produced by the body (estrogen actually fuels certain types of breast cancer cells to grow). This drug is also used for infertility because decreased estrogen production causes increased follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) production. So, I took 3 Femara pills each day from Thursday through yesterday, and I started the Follistim injections today. I will go in for an ultrasound and bloodwork (estradiol level) on Thursday, and my Follistim dose will be adjusted based on the bloodwork results. Dr. Schmidt is trying this because he said my cycle was way too long last time (over 3 weeks between my period and ovulation), and he is hoping that the combination of Femara and Follistim will help me produce some big fat follicles by next week. He is aiming to do insemination by the end of next week, and I am hoping that is what will happen.

I know so many people who are pregnant right now (6 people come to mind immediately, and I believe there are a few more, too). I am so happy for them, but also so envious. I desperately want to be pregnant. My life has become completely consumed with getting pregnant. I wish I wasn't like this, but I don't know how not to be. I keep wondering how many more months I can go through this. I can't believe I am going to be 35 in two months. I have never felt as old as I do right now. I really stop and wonder sometimes if my time to get pregnant has come and gone. People keep telling me that we can always adopt. Well, yes, that's true, but adoption is a very complicated process. I have a few friends who adopted, and they had to go through so much to get their babies. Plus, it may sound selfish or unreasonable, but I just want to feel a baby growing inside me. More than anything, I want to feel everything that goes along with a pregnancy ... morning sickness, growing belly, feeling a baby moving around inside me, giving birth, and breastfeeding. I have been dreaming about being pregnant a lot lately. Maybe in 2011, that dream will become a reality.

not pregnant ... AGAIN.

Well, my period started today. I guess I don't have much to say except that I am feeling very sad tonight. I was so hoping this would be the month. I will go in for my baseline ultrasound on Thursday, and I will start the daily Follistim injections that evening. Here's hoping that 2011 will be a better year ...