Well, my period never started. Silly me got all excited that I might actually be pregnant, despite knowing deep down that I really didn't ovulate this month. I realize this seems pretty irrational, but I was so hopeful.
I spoke with one of the nurses yesterday, and she wanted to start me on Provera, which is a medicine that induces a period. I asked if I could have a beta hCG (the pregnancy hormone) blood level drawn, just to make sure I'm not pregnant. She agreed this was a good idea. So, I had the blood draw yesterday and got the phone call this morning. The test was negative. As much as I think I knew that was coming, I was still crushed.
So, I started my 10-day course of Provera today, and my period will begin when that is finished (usually a few days later). That means two weeks delay until my next cycle begins. I try to be a patient person in life, but when it comes to this infertility stuff, I am far from patient. Needless to say, I will be anxious for the next two weeks to come and go. Fortunately, Brian and I are going on a trip to New York City at the end of next week, to celebrate our 9-year anniversary (earlier this month) and Brian's 40th birthday (next week). It will be nice to get away and get this infertility nightmare out of my mind for a few days ... who am I kidding ... it will never leave my mind, but at least I will be having fun and distracting myself with other things.
I also confirmed the mail order for the Follistim and Novarel (HCG) today. They will be shipped on ice overnight tomorrow (delivery is free!), and they will be waiting patiently in my refrigerator until I am ready for them in a couple weeks.
So, that's the story. I am feeling sad tonight. I was so hoping this would be the month I got pregnant, but it wasn't meant to be. I continue to be amazed at how consumed I am with trying to get pregnant. It's all I have focused on for several months, and I feel like it's all I think about. I wish there was a way to not be like this, but I don't know how. I would imagine that others who are struggling with infertility go through the same thing. I have thought about joining an online support group, but I am not sure if I want to. When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2008, I joined every online support group I could find. I ended up leaving all of them after a few months because they just left me feeling depressed. I am afraid this would be the same way. We'll see. Time to move on to the next cycle ...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
new chapter
Before I give today's update, I want to share a quote that I discovered today. Those of you who know me know that I am a quote junkie, and I am always on the lookout for great quotes. This one might be one of my new favorites:
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me ... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." ~Shel Silverstein
So, anyway ... as I said in my last update, today was the official "take a pregnancy test" day. Of course, I couldn't wait until today and actually took one each day for the last two days. All three were negative. :( I have been having cramps all week, so I am guessing that my period will start anytime now. So, I called the nurse today to talk about the next steps. My doctor has three nurses (who are all so wonderful) who work with his patients. I spoke with a different nurse today than I spoke with on Monday about my progesterone results. The nurse today said that she thinks I most likely didn't ovulate this month, based on my ultrasound a couple weeks ago (if you recall, my follicles were very small and I was a week overdue on ovulating) and based on my progesterone level. She thinks that the 0.7 progesterone level was real. I think I believe her. She said that this means the clomid really isn't working for me anymore, and she thinks it would be a waste of time, money, and risk factors to try the triple dose of clomid this next cycle. I agree. It appears that clomid failure has occured. :(
So, we discussed the injectible medication that I will start on day 3 of my cycle. It is called Follistim (here's the website, if you're interested: Follistim). It is an injectible human recombinant FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) that is used to stimulate maturity of multiple follicles and subsequent ovulation. I don't know all the specifics, but I believe I will start injecting myself (in my abdomen or thigh) on day 3 of my cycle and then give myself an injection every day until about day 10. After that, I will still give myself the HCG injection (Novarel) when my follicles are ready, and 36 hours later I should ovulate. This time things will be a bit more involved and complicated. I have to get a baseline ultrasound on Day 3 of my cycle, another one around day 7, and then the normal one around day 14. I will also have to have several blood draws during those first two weeks of my cycle.
I will also take progesterone supplements closer to ovulation, just to help things along. We are also probably going to do IUI (intrauterine insemination) this cycle. Essentially, on the day I am due to ovulate (based on the day 14 ultrasound and HCG injection timing), Brian and I will go into the office. We will bring a semen specimen with us. The semen will be "washed" and the millions of sperm will be isolated. The doctor will insert a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus, and he will place the "washed" sperm into my uterus. This means that my cervix (and any "hostile" cervical mucus, which can be a cause of infertility alone) will be bypassed in the whole process, and the sperm will be waiting eagerly in my uterus for the follicle(s) to come through the fallopian tube. This creates a significantly higher chance of conception occuring.
Sounds complicated, doesn't it?! I'm a bit freaked out by the potential side effects of the Follistim (specifically, ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, fluid buildup in the abdomen and lungs, and blood clots in the lungs), and I am trying not to focus on them. The nurse reassured me that while these side effects are possible, they are not common, and they will keep very close track of me during the Follistim injections.
So, now I just have to wait for my period to start, and this new chapter of more advanced fertility treatment will begin ...
"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me ... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." ~Shel Silverstein
So, anyway ... as I said in my last update, today was the official "take a pregnancy test" day. Of course, I couldn't wait until today and actually took one each day for the last two days. All three were negative. :( I have been having cramps all week, so I am guessing that my period will start anytime now. So, I called the nurse today to talk about the next steps. My doctor has three nurses (who are all so wonderful) who work with his patients. I spoke with a different nurse today than I spoke with on Monday about my progesterone results. The nurse today said that she thinks I most likely didn't ovulate this month, based on my ultrasound a couple weeks ago (if you recall, my follicles were very small and I was a week overdue on ovulating) and based on my progesterone level. She thinks that the 0.7 progesterone level was real. I think I believe her. She said that this means the clomid really isn't working for me anymore, and she thinks it would be a waste of time, money, and risk factors to try the triple dose of clomid this next cycle. I agree. It appears that clomid failure has occured. :(
So, we discussed the injectible medication that I will start on day 3 of my cycle. It is called Follistim (here's the website, if you're interested: Follistim). It is an injectible human recombinant FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) that is used to stimulate maturity of multiple follicles and subsequent ovulation. I don't know all the specifics, but I believe I will start injecting myself (in my abdomen or thigh) on day 3 of my cycle and then give myself an injection every day until about day 10. After that, I will still give myself the HCG injection (Novarel) when my follicles are ready, and 36 hours later I should ovulate. This time things will be a bit more involved and complicated. I have to get a baseline ultrasound on Day 3 of my cycle, another one around day 7, and then the normal one around day 14. I will also have to have several blood draws during those first two weeks of my cycle.
I will also take progesterone supplements closer to ovulation, just to help things along. We are also probably going to do IUI (intrauterine insemination) this cycle. Essentially, on the day I am due to ovulate (based on the day 14 ultrasound and HCG injection timing), Brian and I will go into the office. We will bring a semen specimen with us. The semen will be "washed" and the millions of sperm will be isolated. The doctor will insert a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus, and he will place the "washed" sperm into my uterus. This means that my cervix (and any "hostile" cervical mucus, which can be a cause of infertility alone) will be bypassed in the whole process, and the sperm will be waiting eagerly in my uterus for the follicle(s) to come through the fallopian tube. This creates a significantly higher chance of conception occuring.
Sounds complicated, doesn't it?! I'm a bit freaked out by the potential side effects of the Follistim (specifically, ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, fluid buildup in the abdomen and lungs, and blood clots in the lungs), and I am trying not to focus on them. The nurse reassured me that while these side effects are possible, they are not common, and they will keep very close track of me during the Follistim injections.
So, now I just have to wait for my period to start, and this new chapter of more advanced fertility treatment will begin ...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
oh, the ups and downs (mostly downs) ...
Well, I was supposed to ovulate last Sunday (10/10), after giving myself the HCG injection late on Friday. I had my progesterone blood draw this past Friday, and Dr. Schmidt's nurse called me on Monday morning with the results. She said that my progesterone was 0.7, which means that ovulation did not occur. She is pretty certain it's a lab error, because she said it is pretty unlikely that ovulation did not occur, especially with the HCG shot. Progesterone level needs to be above 2 to indicate ovulation. So, while I can only hope that there was a lab error, I am still sad and worried that maybe that number is real. In any event, I have had cramps since about Saturday, and I just feel like my period is going to start anytime now. If I am not pregnant now, I guess I have 4 options for next cycle:
1. Take a triple dose of clomid (highest dose possible)
2. Take a triple dose of clomid and add progesterone supplements (vaginal suppositories, I assume) at the time of ovulation
3. Be done with clomid and move on to stage 2 of fertility treatment: injectable gonadotropins
4. Take a break from fertility treatments and try to put it out of my mind (yeah right, like that's going to happen), and hope that maybe it will happen when we are least expecting it.
I'm leaning towards 2 and 3 at the moment. To be honest, I don't think 4 is an option I can live with right now. If I was 28 or even 30, I might consider it. But, I am almost 35, and I may not have very many years of potential fertility left (if I even have any potential fertility right now). So, I feel like time is fleeting and I need to do anything I can to get pregnant sooner rather than later.
We'll see if (when) my period starts, and then I will talk with my doctor and get a better feel from him about which option(s) he recommends.
Infertility sucks.
1. Take a triple dose of clomid (highest dose possible)
2. Take a triple dose of clomid and add progesterone supplements (vaginal suppositories, I assume) at the time of ovulation
3. Be done with clomid and move on to stage 2 of fertility treatment: injectable gonadotropins
4. Take a break from fertility treatments and try to put it out of my mind (yeah right, like that's going to happen), and hope that maybe it will happen when we are least expecting it.
I'm leaning towards 2 and 3 at the moment. To be honest, I don't think 4 is an option I can live with right now. If I was 28 or even 30, I might consider it. But, I am almost 35, and I may not have very many years of potential fertility left (if I even have any potential fertility right now). So, I feel like time is fleeting and I need to do anything I can to get pregnant sooner rather than later.
We'll see if (when) my period starts, and then I will talk with my doctor and get a better feel from him about which option(s) he recommends.
Infertility sucks.
Monday, October 4, 2010
feeling sad
Well, I had my ultrasound today. I only have 2 follicles, and they are very small. :( I'm not supposed to take my HCG injection until sometime on Friday, which will have me ovulate on Saturday night or Sunday morning. Unfortunately, Brian is supposed to go out of town this weekend, so I'm pretty stressed out about how we are going to make this work.
I asked the nurse (who talked to me after the ultrasound) some questions about where we go from here. She was pretty candid with me and said that they usually only have people take clomid for 3-4 months before clomid failure is declared. This is my 3rd month. :( She said that if my post-ovulation progesterone is as low as (or lower than) it was last month, they probably won't even have me take clomid next month. She explained the next step ... injectable gonadotropins which mimic the hormones that my body is supposed to be making. The whole process is pretty complicated, but it sounds like I would be giving myself subcutaneous and intramuscular (ouch) injections several times a day starting on cycle day 3 and going until at least cycle day 8-9. I would also have to get blood draws and several ultrasounds during that time. If you think this sounds expensive, you are correct. She told me that this whole process costs close to $1,000 a month. Yep, that's like a second mortgage payment. My heart sank when she said that. Of course, we will figure out a way to do that, but it's going to be hard with nursing school loans coming due.
I realize that I am getting ahead of myself by worrying about all of this. But, I am a worrier by nature, and I haven't yet figured out how not to be. I guess I just think that I can see the writing on the wall, and I don't feel like the clomid is really working for me anymore.
So, first I have to figure out how this weekend is going to work. Then, I have to hope that my follicles will continue to grow over the next few days and actually be viable. Then, I have to hope that I will actually ovulate. And finally, most of all, I have to hope that I will get pregnant this time.
And that's all I have for now. Please send good thoughts my way. I need them.
I asked the nurse (who talked to me after the ultrasound) some questions about where we go from here. She was pretty candid with me and said that they usually only have people take clomid for 3-4 months before clomid failure is declared. This is my 3rd month. :( She said that if my post-ovulation progesterone is as low as (or lower than) it was last month, they probably won't even have me take clomid next month. She explained the next step ... injectable gonadotropins which mimic the hormones that my body is supposed to be making. The whole process is pretty complicated, but it sounds like I would be giving myself subcutaneous and intramuscular (ouch) injections several times a day starting on cycle day 3 and going until at least cycle day 8-9. I would also have to get blood draws and several ultrasounds during that time. If you think this sounds expensive, you are correct. She told me that this whole process costs close to $1,000 a month. Yep, that's like a second mortgage payment. My heart sank when she said that. Of course, we will figure out a way to do that, but it's going to be hard with nursing school loans coming due.
I realize that I am getting ahead of myself by worrying about all of this. But, I am a worrier by nature, and I haven't yet figured out how not to be. I guess I just think that I can see the writing on the wall, and I don't feel like the clomid is really working for me anymore.
So, first I have to figure out how this weekend is going to work. Then, I have to hope that my follicles will continue to grow over the next few days and actually be viable. Then, I have to hope that I will actually ovulate. And finally, most of all, I have to hope that I will get pregnant this time.
And that's all I have for now. Please send good thoughts my way. I need them.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
time in slow motion
I've never been one to wish away the passage of time. That being said, it's amazing how slowly time seems to pass since we've been trying to get pregnant.
I finished the five days of clomid (double dose) on Saturday. The hot flashes were much more frequent and intense this time. I'm still having them now, three days after I stopped taking the medicine. I always get hot at work normally, just from running around so much. But, the last few days that I worked, I had moments where I was sweating profusely. I was making an effort to spend time in front of the fans in my patients' rooms as often as possible! ;) I am also much more moody this time ... poor Brian. :( I have to put on a happy face at work, so I feel like I really let my moodiness shine through when I'm at home. :(
So, I'm anxiously awaiting next Monday, which is the ultrasound to see how many follicles I have. I will also most likely give myself the HCG injection that day, too. Then, the long two-week wait until taking a pregnancy test (or starting my period) begins.
I finished the five days of clomid (double dose) on Saturday. The hot flashes were much more frequent and intense this time. I'm still having them now, three days after I stopped taking the medicine. I always get hot at work normally, just from running around so much. But, the last few days that I worked, I had moments where I was sweating profusely. I was making an effort to spend time in front of the fans in my patients' rooms as often as possible! ;) I am also much more moody this time ... poor Brian. :( I have to put on a happy face at work, so I feel like I really let my moodiness shine through when I'm at home. :(
So, I'm anxiously awaiting next Monday, which is the ultrasound to see how many follicles I have. I will also most likely give myself the HCG injection that day, too. Then, the long two-week wait until taking a pregnancy test (or starting my period) begins.
Monday, September 20, 2010
moving forward
Well, it's time for a new cycle, and I am staying positive!!
Dr. Schmidt's nurse called me today and told me to start the clomid tomorrow (since they want day 3, aka clomid start date, to be 3 full days into the cycle, and I only spotted most of the day on Saturday ... sorry for the TMI!).
My ultrasound is scheduled for October 4, and I will most likely ovulate on October 6th. Interestingly enough, October 6 is our 9-year wedding anniversary, and I am a big believer in "3rd time is a charm" in life, so I am choosing to believe that all of this is meant to be. :)
Dr. Schmidt's nurse called me today and told me to start the clomid tomorrow (since they want day 3, aka clomid start date, to be 3 full days into the cycle, and I only spotted most of the day on Saturday ... sorry for the TMI!).
My ultrasound is scheduled for October 4, and I will most likely ovulate on October 6th. Interestingly enough, October 6 is our 9-year wedding anniversary, and I am a big believer in "3rd time is a charm" in life, so I am choosing to believe that all of this is meant to be. :)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
roller coaster
I got so excited yesterday when my period didn't start (that was the day I started last month), and started to get a glimmer of hope that I might actually be pregnant. Those hopes were dashed when I got home from work this morning and started my period. I wish one of these months I could actually make it to the day I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test before my period starts. I'm feeling very sad right now and sometimes wonder how many more months I can do this.
Oh well ... need to move on and start the double dose of clomid on Monday. And another month begins ...
Oh well ... need to move on and start the double dose of clomid on Monday. And another month begins ...
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