renewed hope ...

In this post, I talked about the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM). I called them this morning and just got off the phone with a very nice staff member named Mirna. She talked to me for 15 minutes! We talked about the phone consultation with one of the doctors. She said that the consultation is normally $250, but since the doctors aren't licensed to practice in Ohio, the consultation will be FREE for me! I was completely willing to pay the $250, but what a nice surprise! She said that because the doctors aren't licensed to practice in Ohio, the phone consultation will only involve discussing my situation and the doctor's recommendations. Treatment wouldn't begin until the doctor saw me in person in Colorado. I explained some of my situation to Mirna ... she said that the doctors have had great success with patients who don't respond well to traditional medication protocols (also called "poor responders") and who have high FSH and low AMH levels (that would be ME!). I was encouraged to hear that. So, while I'm trying not to get too excited, I am feeling optimistic again after feeling pretty hopeless for the last couple weeks. Some more good news ... our health insurance company (United Healthcare) covers CCRM, and Mirna said that UHC has excellent coverage for their practice. Yay!

So, I have a phone consultation with Dr. Schoolcraft on Tuesday, August 2 at 5:00 PM. From what I've read, his success rates with poor responders and pre-menopausal women are up to 70%!! He trained under one of the pioneers of in vitro fertilization, and from the testimonials I've read, he is the doctor that couples go to when they are at the end of the road. I am super anxious to hear what he has to say. He will review my medical records before we talk, and he will have them in front of him when we are on the phone. We will talk on the phone for a half hour to an hour. I will post an update after our phone call! Maybe Brian and I will get another chance at a biological child after all ...

what you say vs. what I hear

*I read a post on www.whitneyanderick.com today, and I could have written every word myself. I am adapting it a bit, because her post addresses both miscarriage and infertility, and mine is only addressing infertility.

I can’t believe I’m going to address this topic and be so open, but it’s on my heart right now. I have a really, really hard time with pregnant women. There, I said it. I always feel I like I need to explain myself, because from the outside looking in, I can’t imagine what people think of me. I just want you to understand how I feel and what goes through my head.

• When I see your belly, I see the lack of my own. 
• When you say, “I’m seven weeks pregnant,” I hear the voice in my head saying that I would give anything to be seven weeks pregnant. 
• When I hear your big announcement, I know I will never have one, even if I do have a child someday. My announcement will be riddled with beta hCG numbers and the need to take things day-by-day instead of a happy proclamation. 
• When I see your joy, I feel my pain. 
• When I see your husband holding your child, I see myself as a failure that I can’t provide that for my husband. 
• When I see your family photo Christmas card, mine feels empty. 
• When you come home from the doctor with an ultrasound photo, I come home with a book called “Empty Arms.” 
• When you go to the doctor, it’s a happy time. When I go, it’s torture to be so surrounded by pregnant women and baby photos. 
• When you complain about your kids, my heart breaks a little more because I would give anything to have kids.
• When you say, “Being pregnant sucks” or “I hate this morning sickness,” I say, “Bring it on!” 
• When you say, “We weren’t even trying,” I hear the universe laughing at me. 

It’s not you, it’s me. No, really, it is me. I’m not trying to turn everything you say or do to be all about me. I don’t want to think about ME. I don’t want to think about pregnancy. I don’t want to think of my problems and my failures. I would love to escape everything. These are persistent thoughts that come bubbling up even though I do my best to keep them out. I do not possess Vulcan mind capabilities.

Think of it like this. Do you know an alcoholic? Is it a good idea for them to be around booze? Should they hang out at a bar? It’s too hard.

Or, what about a war vet? Do you think many of them want to re-live what they’ve been through? Do they want to see war movies? Does hearing fireworks make them jump? Do certain triggers give them flashbacks? Again, these things are too hard for a veteran.

Well, pregnancy is too hard for me. I have to protect myself. So, if I don’t seem happy for you, it’s not that ... I’m just trying to protect my broken heart (and body) and keep myself sane.

thoughts on adoption

I can't begin to count the number of people who have told me to "Just Adopt". While I know that many of those people say these words with the best of intentions, they are still very painful words to hear. I am not ready to adopt. I don't know if I ever will be. I know that adoption is a wonderful choice for some people, but I don't know if it is the right choice for Brian and me. I can't really put into words why I feel this way, but I just do. I am still grieving for my biological child ... the one I will most likely never have ... the little boy with strawberry blond hair and deep blue eyes like his Dad ... the little girl with curly brown hair and bright blue eyes like her Mom. I am in the depths of grieving, and I don't know when the grieving will stop.

I read a lot of infertility blogs, and I came across a very insightful blog post this morning. The blog is http://www.whitneyanderick.com, and here is the post:


Telling someone to "Just Adopt" is a bad idea
There are two myths surrounding trying to conceive and adopting and I will try to tackle both of them.

- “Just adopt.” 
- “You should just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant.”
__________________________________________________________________

Myth #1: If I know someone who’s having trouble conceiving, maybe I should tell them to just adopt.  Or, ask them if they’ve considered adoption.
Fact: No, you should never give this unwanted advice.

As a woman who has not wanted to adopt in the past and as someone who is considering it now, I can absolutely say hearing the words “just adopt” is unwanted and painful.  Thankfully, I’ve only heard it a couple of times over these last five years.  One of them came from a nurse practicioner at my OB/GYN clinic.  I wish I was kidding.  If anyone should be sensitive, I think it should be women’s health professionals, but alas, that is not always the case.  And, this was four years ago before we even had any diagnostic testing or began any infertility treatments.  She had no right to tell me that, and was medically negligent in my opinion especially when we had lots of options at that point and had no reason to believe that we wouldn’t ever be able to conceive.

Let me explain why suggesting adopting to an infertile is not a good idea:

• When you are still trying, whether or not you would consider adopting, it’s painful to hear.  My husband and I desperately want a biological child. Period.
• It comes across as “why don’t you just give up already…this is never going to happen.”
• This is a deeply personal decision and not something to be bantered about as if you’re talking about the weather.
• When people say “just adopt,” they think it’s an easy solution.  You want a child.  There are children to adopt.  It’s not that easy.  It takes the right people and a lot of soul-searching.
• In many cases, it requires grieving the loss of a biological child.  This is difficult for people to understand.  This has been extremely hard and I’m in gray area right now.  I feel like I’ve been grieving, but I haven’t completely given up hope either.
• The financial aspect of adopting is staggering.  There are many who have failed to conceive and their hearts are open to adoption, but they simply can’t afford it.  General costs to adopt are around $20,000 to $30,000.  Add that to the $20,000 or more than many of us have already spent on fertility treatments and you can see why it’s financially impossible for some couples. And, additionally hurtful when you tell a person to just adopt, and although they want to, they can’t afford it.
• It’s hurtful to those whose first choice to have a child is to adopt. It was never a back-up plan for them.
• It’s very insulting when it’s coming from someone who has a beautiful child sitting at home with mommy’s eyes and daddy’s nose.  Easy for them to say.

I think the only exception to this rule would be when someone who has adopted has a heartfelt conversation with you and asks if you have considered it.

____________________________________________________________________

Myth#2: “You should adopt, then you’ll get pregnant”
Fact: Adopting has absolutely no bearing on your ability to conceive.

This is last thing I want to hear and it makes me feel like beating my head against the wall.  Yet, everyone has a story that they tell where this happened to a friend of a friend of a friend.

Here’s why:

• Adopting will absolutely, positively 100% not help me get pregnant and stay that way.  Infertility is a disease that needs to be treated just like any other disease.
• It’s hurtful because it implies that if we stop stressing about getting pregnant and pursue adoption, then we will conceive.  Not true.  Read my post - Just say no to “Just Relax.”
• You have to want to adopt.  It’s not for everyone.  It’s not to be taken lightly.  It’s not the means to an end.  It’s an end.
• It’s not some easy step to check off your list in your quest to conceive.  Get my uterus examined — check. Take ovulation drugs — check.  Check hormone levels — check.  Adopt a child– check.  See how ridiculous this is?

I hope this has helped to explain why these myths can be so painful to women like me.

daydreaming

I've been daydreaming about taking a pregnancy test this week. In my daydream, the test is positive (of course). We are going to the lake this weekend to spend time with my parents and sister and celebrate Father's Day. In my daydream, I give my Dad a "Happy Father's Day, Grandpa" card on Father's Day, and that's how we share the amazing news with my family. I also daydream about giving Brian his first Father's Day card.

My daydream will stay a daydream. My period started today, and my heart is broken once again ...

a bit of good news ...

I had another ultrasound yesterday morning. I was feeling stressed out before the ultrasound for a few reasons: first, I was afraid the cyst got bigger and this cycle would be a bust. Second, we are going out of town on Friday for a Saturday wedding (I am making the wedding cake and cupcakes) and I was afraid the timing wasn't going to work out. If insemination would need to happen this weekend (when we are out of town), this cycle would also be a bust because going out of town is not optional. So, I was feeling very anxious going into the ultrasound.

I had a different doctor for the ultrasound ... I have never met Dr. Williams before, but I have heard great things about him, and he's actually the one who helped my sister- and brother-in law conceive their three wonderful children. There is another doctor (I won't mention names) who literally causes my heart to drop when he walks in the door to do my ultrasound. He has a pretty poor bedside manner, and he is extremely rough with the ultrasound wand, if you know what I mean (TMI, I know ...). So, I was apprehensive when I saw a new doctor come through the door. But, Dr. Williams was great. He was gentle like Dr. Schmidt, and even better, he said that the "cyst" was actually a big fat follicle!! Apparently they can look similar on the ultrasound screen. My estradiol level almost doubled since Friday (it's up to 142 now), so that was enough to convince him that the growing dark circle on the screen is in fact a follicle and not a cyst! I was very happy to hear this! I also have 3-4 smaller follicles that could still potentially be "the one". So, this cycle is turning out to look somewhat promising. Once again, my hopes are high, and the roller coaster ride continues.

So, tomorrow morning (6/2) will be insemination. I gave myself the HCG trigger shot at 9:15 last night at work, so I should ovulate right around 9:15 AM tomorrow. I have to work tonight, so I will meet Brian in the morning after he goes to the lab, and we will have our special pre-insemination breakfast (haha) together. We will be back at the office at 9AM for insemination. Then, we will begin the agonizing 2+ week wait until I can take a pregnancy test.

Once again, it's time for optimism, wishing, and hoping ...

today's ultrasound

I had my ultrasound this morning. I got there early and was the first patient to arrive at the office. Normally, once I am taken back to the exam room, the doctor comes in almost as soon as I get myself situated on the exam table. Today, I had about a 15-minute wait to sit there, half naked and covered with a paper "blanket", alone with my thoughts. I sat on the exam table and daydreamed that Dr. Schmidt was going to come in to do the ultrasound and tell me that I had 10 big follicles and we were going to turn this into an IVF cycle. I actually got tears in my eyes, thinking about how amazing that would be. Then, reality happened. Dr. Schmidt did come in to do the ultrasound, but the news I got was worlds away from my daydream. He saw a few very small follicles on each side and one giant cyst on my right ovary. I have been experiencing a good deal of pain on my right side for the last few days, but I was hoping that the pain was a good indication of how many follicles I might have. Sadly, this is not the case. When I saw the cyst on the ultrasound, I was afraid Dr. Schmidt was going to say that this cycle would be a bust. Fortunately, he said that he wants to continue the cycle since he sees some promising follicles. One of the nurses called this afternoon with my estradiol level (85 ... not high enough) and instructions for the next few days. I have to continue the injectible meds through Monday, and I will go back on Tuesday morning for blood work and another ultrasound. If the cyst has grown much larger in size (or has ruptured, which I really hope doesn't happen), we will probably not be able to go through with IUI this cycle. Very sad.

I recently heard from a friend who shared that she and her husband struggled with infertility when trying to conceive their two beautiful girls. She told me about the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM), in Denver. It is supposed to be the best fertility clinic in the country. She told me that she has a friend who went to ORM (where I go) for several years, was unable to conceive, and was basically told that she and her husband were out of options. They ended up going to CCRM and now have beautiful twin girls. :) This gave me a glimmer of hope. So, I researched CCRM. They offer a phone consultation (it sounds like they get patients from all over the world) with one of their reproductive endocrinologists for $250, and then you proceed from there. I talked to Brian about this, and he didn't seem too excited. I can understand where he's coming from, but I am hoping that maybe he will think about it some more. We will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in October, and we have been trying to decide on a vacation destination. Maybe we can travel to Denver for our anniversary. ;) CCRM has been on the forefront of some of the newest advances in reproductive medicine, and they have helped many couples conceive when they were previously told that there was no hope. I can't stop thinking that maybe they can help us. I probably sound like a crazy person, but I just can't stop hoping that somehow, some way, we can conceive a baby. So, I'm contemplating doing the phone consultation, just to see what they have to say. I am feeling guilty that somehow I will upset Dr. Schmidt and his nurses, but it's nothing personal. I have to believe that they have had patients go to CCRM before ... it's just getting a second opinion, right? At least it's something to think about.

That's all for now. I'm hoping that the cyst on my ovary doesn't grow or rupture this weekend (I've heard that a ruptured cyst is extremely painful), and I am willing those follicles to grow, grow, GROW!

hope

In my last post, over a month ago, I said that my period was supposed to start any day. Well, it never did start. Since my ovaries don't work very well anymore, my periods are extremely irregular and can be few and far between. This is a cruel twist of fate when trying to get pregnant, because it leads to false hope that there might actually be a pregnancy. Subsequently, I spent way too much money on pregnancy tests in the last month. Needless to say, I have had more than my share of "Not pregnant" and "-" results. A couple weeks ago, I decided to call Dr. Schmidt's office regarding my period not starting. Carol (awesome nurse) called in a prescription for 10 days of Provera, which induces a period within two weeks of starting the med. My period started yesterday (5/17). I talked with Carol this morning, and I will be starting the meds tomorrow ... four days of estrogen-blocking pills followed by an undetermined number of days of injectible meds. My first ultrasound will be next Friday (5/27). As hard as I am trying to not get my hopes up, they are already in the clouds. I can't help it. I have this fantasy that my ultrasound next week will show lots of follicles ... enough to transition this cycle into an IVF cycle (Dr. Schmidt mentioned at our appointment in early March that this is a possibility, although slim ...). That would be amazing. I wish there could be some way to stay emotionally detached from all of this and not get my hopes up at all, but I don't think I'm made that way. I always try to find a glimmer of hope in any situation, and I'm holding onto that glimmer right now.

So, our "break" is officially over. I feel excited, hopeful, and scared. As much as Brian and I needed the "break" from fertility stuff, I felt lost and in limbo the whole time. For the last couple months, I have been avoiding friends with kids (especially babies), because it's just been too hard to be around them ... self-preservation, I guess. I feel like I have been a bad friend, especially to several friends who have recently had babies or gotten pregnant. I think this must be hard to understand for anyone who has not struggled with infertility, but I am hoping for understanding and forgiveness.

I guess that's all for now. I will update after the ultrasound next Friday. Any and all positive thoughts and energy are always appreciated. :)