Appointment is made!

After lots of thought and discussion, Heather, Brian, and I have decided to switch to a different reproductive endocrinologist. Dr. Nash (and his practice, Reproductive Gynecology, Inc.) comes highly recommended by several friends of Heather's and mine, and the best part is that he has an office in Columbus (where I live) AND Akron (where Heather lives)! So, Heather and I can go to whichever office works better for our schedules. This will make this whole process much easier. I am definitely sad to be leaving Dr. Schmidt's practice, but I think this is for the best.

Heather and I have an appointment together on Monday, 11/21, at the Akron office. At that time, we will find out more about how this will all play out. I'm excited, nervous, and a whole bunch of other emotions. It's hard to believe that this is really happening!!

still here.

This pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling right now. We've been taking a break from all things fertility and infertility. After a year and a half of spending practically every waking minute focused on trying to get pregnant, we've spent the last couple months trying to focus on everything but trying to get pregnant. We just needed a break. We were exhausted. Getting pregnant has not left my thoughts for the last couple months, but I have tried to not talk about it as much. Somehow, that helps me try to convince myself that I am focusing on other aspects of my life. While trying to focus on other things, I still somehow held onto the hope that the unthinkable might happen and I might get pregnant on my own. Unfortunately, I don't even have periods anymore (except when they are induced by fertility meds), so that doesn't seem to be in the stars for us. We celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary by taking a trip to Bar Harbor, Maine a couple weeks ago. It rained the whole time we were there, but we still had a wonderful time. As I enjoyed a glass of wine or a margarita on vacation, all I really wanted was to not be able to have those drinks because I had a baby growing in my belly. 

I'm ready to focus on having a baby once again. I had a chance to spend time tonight with two amazing babies (Brandon, the almost 10-month-old bruiser with a head full of black hair and the most munchable cheeks and thighs I've ever seen, and Iris, the 6-month-old petite peanut with the prettiest smile and dimples ever), and that definitely made me jump right back on the bandwagon. :) My sister, Heather, has told me once again that she absolutely wants to be our egg donor, and Brian is on board with this. So, it looks like that is the direction we will go. As much as I would like to do this with CCRM, it just doesn't seem feasable. None of us (Brian, Heather, and I) have the ability to "drop everything" at our jobs and fly off to Colorado at a moment's notice, which is how it would be. The stress of trying to orchestrate that would certainly not be conducive for trying to get pregnant, anyway. So, we are going to go with Dr. Schmidt. I trust him completely and know that he is an excellent doctor. I have to schedule an appointment for Heather with Dr. Schmidt, so that is the next step. We will go from there. This is a very costly venture, though I certainly cannot put a price tag on having a baby. That said, we are trying to figure out how to come up with the money to pay for this. As great as our insurance benefits have been thus far in the infertility journey, they all but stop once donor eggs come into play. I have gotten mixed information on what is and is not covered going forward, but the general consensus is that the majority of this will be out of pocket. The general ballpark figure seems to be around $15,000 - $20.000, for everything (procedures, meds, appointments, and labwork for Heather and me). That is for one cycle. We will also have to pay to store any extra embryos (for possible future babies) as well as future IVF cycles with the aforementioned embryos. 

So, things are moving forward, and I am wishing and hoping that 2012 will be the year that we get our miracle baby and become parents ...

the end of a dream.

I had my phone consultation with Dr. Schoolcraft (founder of Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine) yesterday at 5PM. He was incredibly nice. We talked for about a half hour. He asked me to tell him about my infertility journey, so I did. When I was finished, he told me that he agrees with everything that Dr. Schmidt has done with us, and he also agrees that there is nothing more we can do with my eggs. He said that he has seen a surprising number of thyroid cancer patients in the last few years who are not able to conceive. He is certain that the radiation treatment is the cause of this infertility. He told me that my only chance to get pregnant is with donor eggs. Although some part of me already knew this to be the case, it was still heartbreaking to hear him confirm my worst fear. I had to leave for work right after I hung up with him, and I had a crazy busy night at work, so I didn't have a lot of time to let all of this really sink in. It's sinking in now. I can't believe that I will never be a biological mother. I feel like a failure ... not just as a mother, but also as a wife. My broken body can't give Brian a baby. I am so incredibly sad. As much as I tried not to get my hopes up about yesterday's phone call, I really did have hope that Dr. Schoolcraft would be able to help me. Infertility is such a roller coaster of hope and disappointment ... two extremes that mix and mingle on a regular basis. I'm tired of the disappointment. I am feeling such regret about not trying to have a baby when we were younger. What were we waiting for?! Oh, if I only knew in my 20's what I know now ...

So, Brian and I have some big decisions ahead of us. Should we pursue donor eggs? Should we use the eggs of someone we know, or someone we don't and will never know? Should we go to Dr. Schmidt (who only does 20-30 donor egg cycles per year), or should we go to Dr. Schoolcraft (who does over 200 donor egg cycles per year and has the highest success rate in the country (90-95%) for donor egg cycles)? So many decisions. My head is spinning, and I just want to stop thinking about all of this for awhile. For now, I just need to figure out how to say goodbye to my dream and start our next journey ...

renewed hope ...

In this post, I talked about the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine (CCRM). I called them this morning and just got off the phone with a very nice staff member named Mirna. She talked to me for 15 minutes! We talked about the phone consultation with one of the doctors. She said that the consultation is normally $250, but since the doctors aren't licensed to practice in Ohio, the consultation will be FREE for me! I was completely willing to pay the $250, but what a nice surprise! She said that because the doctors aren't licensed to practice in Ohio, the phone consultation will only involve discussing my situation and the doctor's recommendations. Treatment wouldn't begin until the doctor saw me in person in Colorado. I explained some of my situation to Mirna ... she said that the doctors have had great success with patients who don't respond well to traditional medication protocols (also called "poor responders") and who have high FSH and low AMH levels (that would be ME!). I was encouraged to hear that. So, while I'm trying not to get too excited, I am feeling optimistic again after feeling pretty hopeless for the last couple weeks. Some more good news ... our health insurance company (United Healthcare) covers CCRM, and Mirna said that UHC has excellent coverage for their practice. Yay!

So, I have a phone consultation with Dr. Schoolcraft on Tuesday, August 2 at 5:00 PM. From what I've read, his success rates with poor responders and pre-menopausal women are up to 70%!! He trained under one of the pioneers of in vitro fertilization, and from the testimonials I've read, he is the doctor that couples go to when they are at the end of the road. I am super anxious to hear what he has to say. He will review my medical records before we talk, and he will have them in front of him when we are on the phone. We will talk on the phone for a half hour to an hour. I will post an update after our phone call! Maybe Brian and I will get another chance at a biological child after all ...

what you say vs. what I hear

*I read a post on www.whitneyanderick.com today, and I could have written every word myself. I am adapting it a bit, because her post addresses both miscarriage and infertility, and mine is only addressing infertility.

I can’t believe I’m going to address this topic and be so open, but it’s on my heart right now. I have a really, really hard time with pregnant women. There, I said it. I always feel I like I need to explain myself, because from the outside looking in, I can’t imagine what people think of me. I just want you to understand how I feel and what goes through my head.

• When I see your belly, I see the lack of my own. 
• When you say, “I’m seven weeks pregnant,” I hear the voice in my head saying that I would give anything to be seven weeks pregnant. 
• When I hear your big announcement, I know I will never have one, even if I do have a child someday. My announcement will be riddled with beta hCG numbers and the need to take things day-by-day instead of a happy proclamation. 
• When I see your joy, I feel my pain. 
• When I see your husband holding your child, I see myself as a failure that I can’t provide that for my husband. 
• When I see your family photo Christmas card, mine feels empty. 
• When you come home from the doctor with an ultrasound photo, I come home with a book called “Empty Arms.” 
• When you go to the doctor, it’s a happy time. When I go, it’s torture to be so surrounded by pregnant women and baby photos. 
• When you complain about your kids, my heart breaks a little more because I would give anything to have kids.
• When you say, “Being pregnant sucks” or “I hate this morning sickness,” I say, “Bring it on!” 
• When you say, “We weren’t even trying,” I hear the universe laughing at me. 

It’s not you, it’s me. No, really, it is me. I’m not trying to turn everything you say or do to be all about me. I don’t want to think about ME. I don’t want to think about pregnancy. I don’t want to think of my problems and my failures. I would love to escape everything. These are persistent thoughts that come bubbling up even though I do my best to keep them out. I do not possess Vulcan mind capabilities.

Think of it like this. Do you know an alcoholic? Is it a good idea for them to be around booze? Should they hang out at a bar? It’s too hard.

Or, what about a war vet? Do you think many of them want to re-live what they’ve been through? Do they want to see war movies? Does hearing fireworks make them jump? Do certain triggers give them flashbacks? Again, these things are too hard for a veteran.

Well, pregnancy is too hard for me. I have to protect myself. So, if I don’t seem happy for you, it’s not that ... I’m just trying to protect my broken heart (and body) and keep myself sane.

thoughts on adoption

I can't begin to count the number of people who have told me to "Just Adopt". While I know that many of those people say these words with the best of intentions, they are still very painful words to hear. I am not ready to adopt. I don't know if I ever will be. I know that adoption is a wonderful choice for some people, but I don't know if it is the right choice for Brian and me. I can't really put into words why I feel this way, but I just do. I am still grieving for my biological child ... the one I will most likely never have ... the little boy with strawberry blond hair and deep blue eyes like his Dad ... the little girl with curly brown hair and bright blue eyes like her Mom. I am in the depths of grieving, and I don't know when the grieving will stop.

I read a lot of infertility blogs, and I came across a very insightful blog post this morning. The blog is http://www.whitneyanderick.com, and here is the post:


Telling someone to "Just Adopt" is a bad idea
There are two myths surrounding trying to conceive and adopting and I will try to tackle both of them.

- “Just adopt.” 
- “You should just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant.”
__________________________________________________________________

Myth #1: If I know someone who’s having trouble conceiving, maybe I should tell them to just adopt.  Or, ask them if they’ve considered adoption.
Fact: No, you should never give this unwanted advice.

As a woman who has not wanted to adopt in the past and as someone who is considering it now, I can absolutely say hearing the words “just adopt” is unwanted and painful.  Thankfully, I’ve only heard it a couple of times over these last five years.  One of them came from a nurse practicioner at my OB/GYN clinic.  I wish I was kidding.  If anyone should be sensitive, I think it should be women’s health professionals, but alas, that is not always the case.  And, this was four years ago before we even had any diagnostic testing or began any infertility treatments.  She had no right to tell me that, and was medically negligent in my opinion especially when we had lots of options at that point and had no reason to believe that we wouldn’t ever be able to conceive.

Let me explain why suggesting adopting to an infertile is not a good idea:

• When you are still trying, whether or not you would consider adopting, it’s painful to hear.  My husband and I desperately want a biological child. Period.
• It comes across as “why don’t you just give up already…this is never going to happen.”
• This is a deeply personal decision and not something to be bantered about as if you’re talking about the weather.
• When people say “just adopt,” they think it’s an easy solution.  You want a child.  There are children to adopt.  It’s not that easy.  It takes the right people and a lot of soul-searching.
• In many cases, it requires grieving the loss of a biological child.  This is difficult for people to understand.  This has been extremely hard and I’m in gray area right now.  I feel like I’ve been grieving, but I haven’t completely given up hope either.
• The financial aspect of adopting is staggering.  There are many who have failed to conceive and their hearts are open to adoption, but they simply can’t afford it.  General costs to adopt are around $20,000 to $30,000.  Add that to the $20,000 or more than many of us have already spent on fertility treatments and you can see why it’s financially impossible for some couples. And, additionally hurtful when you tell a person to just adopt, and although they want to, they can’t afford it.
• It’s hurtful to those whose first choice to have a child is to adopt. It was never a back-up plan for them.
• It’s very insulting when it’s coming from someone who has a beautiful child sitting at home with mommy’s eyes and daddy’s nose.  Easy for them to say.

I think the only exception to this rule would be when someone who has adopted has a heartfelt conversation with you and asks if you have considered it.

____________________________________________________________________

Myth#2: “You should adopt, then you’ll get pregnant”
Fact: Adopting has absolutely no bearing on your ability to conceive.

This is last thing I want to hear and it makes me feel like beating my head against the wall.  Yet, everyone has a story that they tell where this happened to a friend of a friend of a friend.

Here’s why:

• Adopting will absolutely, positively 100% not help me get pregnant and stay that way.  Infertility is a disease that needs to be treated just like any other disease.
• It’s hurtful because it implies that if we stop stressing about getting pregnant and pursue adoption, then we will conceive.  Not true.  Read my post - Just say no to “Just Relax.”
• You have to want to adopt.  It’s not for everyone.  It’s not to be taken lightly.  It’s not the means to an end.  It’s an end.
• It’s not some easy step to check off your list in your quest to conceive.  Get my uterus examined — check. Take ovulation drugs — check.  Check hormone levels — check.  Adopt a child– check.  See how ridiculous this is?

I hope this has helped to explain why these myths can be so painful to women like me.

daydreaming

I've been daydreaming about taking a pregnancy test this week. In my daydream, the test is positive (of course). We are going to the lake this weekend to spend time with my parents and sister and celebrate Father's Day. In my daydream, I give my Dad a "Happy Father's Day, Grandpa" card on Father's Day, and that's how we share the amazing news with my family. I also daydream about giving Brian his first Father's Day card.

My daydream will stay a daydream. My period started today, and my heart is broken once again ...