cruel twist of fate

I woke up today with a feeling of doom. I am not saying that I have ESP or anything like that. I just had a bad feeling. Brian met me at Dr. Nash's office, as he does every Thursday morning. Unfortunately, they were running behind and he had to get to work for a meeting, so he had to leave before I even got called back.

When the nurse took me to the exam room, she said that Dr. Nash would be doing a physical exam today, as well as a PAP smear and some cervical cultures. I was confused by this (he did all of these things the first time I met with him, several months ago), but I went with it. When he came in the room, he explained that he was doing all of this so my OB wouldn't have to do it in a few weeks. He joked that he is a full service doctor.

Speaking of my OB ... I was so excited yesterday. I called my OB's office to make my first appointment. They scheduled me to meet with a nurse next Thursday morning, to go over all of my information and history. They also scheduled me to meet with my OB on May 14. A little back story about my OB ... her name is Dr. Shepherd. I first met her in early 2009 during my maternal/fetal clinicals in nursing school. I had the opportunity to watch her deliver three babies. She was amazing, and I knew right then that I wanted her to deliver my baby. Unfortunately, she only accepts new patients when they are pregnant, so I have been waiting a long time to make that phone call.

It was time for the ultrasound. I always watch Dr. Nash's face as he is doing the ultrasound. As soon as he looked at the screen, I knew something was wrong. He had to adjust the screen several times. He's never had to do that before. I had tears in my eyes before he even said anything. He looked at me and said that the heartbeat was faint. I wish I had thought to ask what the heart rate was, but I didn't. *side note: I left a message for the nurse a little while ago to ask that question* I asked him what that meant, and he said it wasn't a good sign. He turned the screen so I could see it. My eyes were full of tears at that point, so I couldn't see the heartbeat. I did notice that my little peanut really looked like a baby for the first time today. It looked bigger, and I could see the head and little arm and leg buds. He told me that he thinks I may be miscarrying. He said there is a chance that everything could turn out ok, but he tends to err on the side of pessimism, so as not to give people false hope. As hard as that was to hear, I respect that he does this.

He said that he wants me to come back for another ultrasound next Wednesday afternoon at 1:15. He also tentatively scheduled me for a D&C on Thursday. He said he hates to do that preemptively, but he needs to put me on the schedule in case it has to be done.

I went into the appointment today thinking of two possible outcomes ... 1. everything looks great, see you in two weeks, or 2. there is no heartbeat, and the pregnancy is no longer viable. I never imagined that I would be kept in limbo for another week. I try to view life in a glass half full perspective, but today I am really having a hard time being hopeful. It hurts too much to be hopeful and then be devastated. I know that I need to think positively for my baby, though. I truly believe that positive energy can make a difference, so I am digging deep to find some. The odds have been against us so many times during this journey, and we have come this far. Maybe things really will turn out ok ... or maybe they won't. I still feel pregnant, so it's hard for me to imagine that things could be ending instead of progressing.

Dr. Nash is keeping me off work and on modified bedrest until next week's appointment. He assured me that there is nothing I did or didn't do that could have caused this or changed the outcome. He could still see the subchorionic hemorrhage on the ultrasound today, and he reminded me that it can sometimes lead to miscarriage. He looked so sad, and that made me feel so sad. Tears were running down my face as he finished up the appointment, and he gently rested his hand on my shoulder and just gave me a comforting look. He is a good man.

I guess I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, and hope that next Wednesday comes quickly (even though I know it won't). Life can be so unfair.

All is well. :)

Brian and I got to see the most beautiful sight today ... the tiny flutter of our sweet baby's heart!! It was amazing to see!! Dr. Nash found the heartbeat right away! We all (Dr. Nash included) breathed a huge sigh of relief. He said that everything looks perfect! He can still see the subchorionic hemorrhage, but he said that it is stable, and as long as the baby continues to grow appropriately, he is not too concerned about the bleed. He said that there was significant growth just from Monday to today. The bleeding has mostly stopped ... I am still spotting, but Dr. Nash said this is to be expected.

He confirmed my due date ... December 3rd! For some reason, the picture shows the due date as December 5th (my Dad's birthday!) ... I'm not sure why.

The black circle in the middle of the picture is the gestational sac. The bean-shaped item at the top of the gestational sac is our sweet baby. :)

Dr. Nash initially told me this morning that he wanted to see me in two weeks for another ultrasound. After my appointment, I called his nurse to find out if I need to be on any restrictions for the bleed (I was on bedrest this week). She said that she wants me to take it easy and not go back to work until next weekend. She wants me to come back for an ultrasound next Thursday morning to make sure the bleed is still stable. Then, they will release me to go back to work.

What a week it has been!!! We are so happy and relieved that we were able to see the heartbeat today. It's amazing that the heartbeat can be detected so early!

I will update again next Thursday after the ultrasound. :)

the roller coaster ride continues ...

24 hours ago, I would have never imagined I would be writing this post. We went to see Dr. Nash this morning. He did an ultrasound, and to my absolute surprise, we saw the gestational sac (bigger than it was last Thursday) and the yolk sac. He said that I am still pregnant. I have a subchorionic hemorrhage, which seems to happen in about 20% of pregnancies. From what I've read, the earlier it happens in the pregnancy, the better the outcome. He said that there is still a chance for miscarriage, but he was happy with what he saw on the ultrasound. I bled a lot yesterday, but today I am only spotting.

He wants me to continue to take my meds (estrogen patches, progesterone injections, prenatal vitamin, and baby aspirin), and he wants to see me for my originally scheduled ultrasound on Thursday morning. I am in shock, to say the least. I grieved what I thought was a miscarriage for the last 18 hours. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the possibility that I can still be pregnant. I am trying to stay hopeful without getting my hopes up too high (easier said than done). This is all just so unbelievable.

Dr. Nash put me on bedrest until after the ultrasound on Thursday, to reduce the risk of the hemorrhage getting bigger. I am ready to get off this roller coaster. Please think lots of good thoughts for Thursday morning. I will update after the ultrasound.

in the blink of an eye ...

... it's all over. I miscarried yesterday (Sunday) afternoon. Maybe I will post more about the day when some time has passed. I have an appointment with Dr. Nash this morning at 7:45. I don't know yet if he will have to do a D&C. I am so crushed and heartbroken. I already knew that I wasn't good at getting pregnant ... it seems I'm not so good at staying pregnant, either ...

first ultrasound :)

The ultrasound went well. Dr. Nash said that he saw exactly what he wanted to see ... a little black circle (gestational sac). I was disappointed to not see the heartbeat today, but he said it is too early, especially since I probably implanted late. I will have another ultrasound next Thursday morning, and we are hoping to see the heartbeat then. I will breathe much easier once I see the heartbeat. It's so stressful to have this nagging thought in the back of my mind that we don't truly know what is inside the little black circle. I am trying to stay positive, but it's scary. I'm ready for next Thursday already! I have been feeling nauseous at the same time every day, so I have to believe that is a good sign that things are progressing well. It was exciting to see the little black circle. :)

I can't believe I'm really pregnant!!!

I had another blood draw this morning. I called this afternoon to find out the results, and my beta hCG went from 54 on Wednesday to 126 today! It increased by 133%!!! Yay!!! Another sigh of relief! :) The next step will be an ultrasound next Thursday (4/5) morning at 8:15. Dr. Nash will be looking for the gestational sac and the yolk sac (the earliest source of nutrients for the fetus). The yolk sac may not yet be visible next week. The embryo may also be too small to see at that point, although it's possible to see the fetal pole (first visible sign of a developing embryo ... it looks like a tadpole!) and possibly detect the fetal heartbeat. Those last two things often don't show up until week 6-7, though (next week will be week 5). So, things will still be nerve-wracking for the next couple weeks (and really, through the end of the first trimester). But, I am still trying to focus on one day at a time, because worrying doesn't do me or that little growing baby bean any good. I am on cloud nine right now! I will update again next Thursday after my ultrasound. :)

Definitely, officially PREGNANT!!! :)

Yes, it's true! My beta hCG went from 19 on Monday to 54 today!! It almost tripled in 3 days! They are happy if it just doubles, so Dr. Nash was thrilled!! I am over the moon and honestly still in shock. I can't believe I am finally going to be a Mama! I have waited my whole life for this, and there have been many times in the last few years when I didn't think I was ever going to experience this. None of this would be happening if it weren't for my amazing sister, Heather. She has given Brian and me the most incredible, selfless, miraculous gift of life. Thank you, Heather, from the bottom of our hearts. You will forever be "Special Aunt Heather". :)

I took this test this morning ... I've seen "Not Pregnant" more times than
I can possibly count, so this truly made it feel real. :)

I have to go back for another blood draw on Friday, to make sure my beta hCG is still going in the right direction. Then, I will have an ultrasound sometime next week.

Brian and I are going out to our favorite Italian restaurant to celebrate tonight .. no wine for me, of course! :)

I will update again on Friday, after I get the results of my blood work.

Oh, and please don't post anything on Facebook yet. I need to get through this stressful first trimester (only 8 more weeks!!) before I announce my wonderful news to the world! :)

Hooray!!!! :)