I woke up today with a feeling of doom. I am not saying that I have ESP or anything like that. I just had a bad feeling. Brian met me at Dr. Nash's office, as he does every Thursday morning. Unfortunately, they were running behind and he had to get to work for a meeting, so he had to leave before I even got called back.
When the nurse took me to the exam room, she said that Dr. Nash would be doing a physical exam today, as well as a PAP smear and some cervical cultures. I was confused by this (he did all of these things the first time I met with him, several months ago), but I went with it. When he came in the room, he explained that he was doing all of this so my OB wouldn't have to do it in a few weeks. He joked that he is a full service doctor.
Speaking of my OB ... I was so excited yesterday. I called my OB's office to make my first appointment. They scheduled me to meet with a nurse next Thursday morning, to go over all of my information and history. They also scheduled me to meet with my OB on May 14. A little back story about my OB ... her name is Dr. Shepherd. I first met her in early 2009 during my maternal/fetal clinicals in nursing school. I had the opportunity to watch her deliver three babies. She was amazing, and I knew right then that I wanted her to deliver my baby. Unfortunately, she only accepts new patients when they are pregnant, so I have been waiting a long time to make that phone call.
It was time for the ultrasound. I always watch Dr. Nash's face as he is doing the ultrasound. As soon as he looked at the screen, I knew something was wrong. He had to adjust the screen several times. He's never had to do that before. I had tears in my eyes before he even said anything. He looked at me and said that the heartbeat was faint. I wish I had thought to ask what the heart rate was, but I didn't. *side note: I left a message for the nurse a little while ago to ask that question* I asked him what that meant, and he said it wasn't a good sign. He turned the screen so I could see it. My eyes were full of tears at that point, so I couldn't see the heartbeat. I did notice that my little peanut really looked like a baby for the first time today. It looked bigger, and I could see the head and little arm and leg buds. He told me that he thinks I may be miscarrying. He said there is a chance that everything could turn out ok, but he tends to err on the side of pessimism, so as not to give people false hope. As hard as that was to hear, I respect that he does this.
He said that he wants me to come back for another ultrasound next Wednesday afternoon at 1:15. He also tentatively scheduled me for a D&C on Thursday. He said he hates to do that preemptively, but he needs to put me on the schedule in case it has to be done.
I went into the appointment today thinking of two possible outcomes ... 1. everything looks great, see you in two weeks, or 2. there is no heartbeat, and the pregnancy is no longer viable. I never imagined that I would be kept in limbo for another week. I try to view life in a glass half full perspective, but today I am really having a hard time being hopeful. It hurts too much to be hopeful and then be devastated. I know that I need to think positively for my baby, though. I truly believe that positive energy can make a difference, so I am digging deep to find some. The odds have been against us so many times during this journey, and we have come this far. Maybe things really will turn out ok ... or maybe they won't. I still feel pregnant, so it's hard for me to imagine that things could be ending instead of progressing.
Dr. Nash is keeping me off work and on modified bedrest until next week's appointment. He assured me that there is nothing I did or didn't do that could have caused this or changed the outcome. He could still see the subchorionic hemorrhage on the ultrasound today, and he reminded me that it can sometimes lead to miscarriage. He looked so sad, and that made me feel so sad. Tears were running down my face as he finished up the appointment, and he gently rested his hand on my shoulder and just gave me a comforting look. He is a good man.
I guess I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, and hope that next Wednesday comes quickly (even though I know it won't). Life can be so unfair.
I love you
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