Today would have been the first day of my second trimester. This was supposed to be the week that we would be telling everyone our wonderful news. Instead, all I have left is grieving over what might have been. People keep telling me to stop counting the weeks. I can't stop. Every Monday is a reminder of what could have been, and I don't know how to stop thinking like that. This is already a very emotional week, and to make it even worse, Brian is gone for 8 days on a fishing trip in Canada. I know he is having a wonderful time, but selfishly, I wish he was here with me. It's just bad timing, I guess. I miss him so much, and I especially miss hearing his voice. He has been my rock through these difficult days. He is in a very remote area of Ontario, so he can't even call me to check in. This is the longest we've ever been apart in the 14 years we've been together. We have definitely never gone more than a day without at least talking on the phone. So, my emotions are all over the place right now.
I decided on Thursday that I am going to take a break from Facebook for awhile. Facebook is a constant birth announcement, or so it seems. I got home from a rough night at work on Thursday morning, and I decided to check Facebook for the first time in a couple days. Within 5 minutes of browsing my news feed, I saw two birth announcements and three pregnancy announcements. Those things have been difficult to see ever since we started this journey, but seeing all of that after a bad night at work was too much. As much as I enjoy Facebook and its ability to keep me connected with so many people, it's too difficult to see so many people enjoying the one thing I want the most but don't have ... a baby. I'm hoping this decision will make life a little easier for me right now.
One day at a time ...
Monday, May 28, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
muddling through the healing process ...
It's been two weeks and one day since my pregnancy ended. We are trying to find our way back to "normal". Some days are better than others. Mondays will always be hard, since they were my week marker. It's hard to believe that I would have been 10 weeks this week ... almost done with the first trimester. Mornings seem to be the hardest time for me ... I have been having vivid dreams that I am still pregnant, so waking up from those dreams is incredibly difficult.
I had my post-op follow up appointment with Dr. Nash yesterday. When he came into the room, he said that he didn't have any answers for me about the miscarriage. I assumed this was because the fetal tissue biopsy wasn't back yet. Sadly, he told me that the biopsy had been botched, and we would never have any answers. Apparently, fetal tissue that is being sent for biopsy must never have preservative added to it, because the tissue must continue to grow in the lab. For whatever reason, someone put preservative on my fetal tissue after the D&C, thus ruining the chance for the biopsy. Once the preservative has been added, nothing can be done. Dr. Nash was visibly upset about this, and he said that he personally spoke with everyone at the surgery center who was involved with my surgery. He said that no one is taking credit for the mistake. He believes that the preservative was not added at the surgery center (since they all know well not to do it), but that it happened at the lab at the hospital (the hospital where I work, ironically), where the tissue was sent for biopsy. I am very upset and disappointed that we will never have any answers about this miscarriage, however there is nothing that can be done at this point, and we just have to move forward. The appointment yesterday was pretty brief. He wants me to take a pregnancy test on May 20 to confirm that the pregnancy hormone is completely out of my system. That same day, I will begin 10 days of Provera, which is the medicine that induces a period. I will have a period about a week after the medicine is finished. About a week after my period, Dr. Nash wants to do a sonohysterogram (saline ultrasound) to make sure my uterus wasn't damaged from the pregnancy or D&C, and to make sure there is no residual fetal tissue remaining in my uterus. After that, we will sit down and have a long talk about where to go from here.
I am going back to work tonight for the first time in a month. I am thankful that I had the last two weeks off, because I got to spend some quality, healing time with my family. It will be strange to be back at work, knowing that the last time I worked, I was still pregnant. I hope I do ok. I cry a lot more these days (even when I try not to), and I hope I don't cry at work. We are just taking things one day at a time now ...
I had my post-op follow up appointment with Dr. Nash yesterday. When he came into the room, he said that he didn't have any answers for me about the miscarriage. I assumed this was because the fetal tissue biopsy wasn't back yet. Sadly, he told me that the biopsy had been botched, and we would never have any answers. Apparently, fetal tissue that is being sent for biopsy must never have preservative added to it, because the tissue must continue to grow in the lab. For whatever reason, someone put preservative on my fetal tissue after the D&C, thus ruining the chance for the biopsy. Once the preservative has been added, nothing can be done. Dr. Nash was visibly upset about this, and he said that he personally spoke with everyone at the surgery center who was involved with my surgery. He said that no one is taking credit for the mistake. He believes that the preservative was not added at the surgery center (since they all know well not to do it), but that it happened at the lab at the hospital (the hospital where I work, ironically), where the tissue was sent for biopsy. I am very upset and disappointed that we will never have any answers about this miscarriage, however there is nothing that can be done at this point, and we just have to move forward. The appointment yesterday was pretty brief. He wants me to take a pregnancy test on May 20 to confirm that the pregnancy hormone is completely out of my system. That same day, I will begin 10 days of Provera, which is the medicine that induces a period. I will have a period about a week after the medicine is finished. About a week after my period, Dr. Nash wants to do a sonohysterogram (saline ultrasound) to make sure my uterus wasn't damaged from the pregnancy or D&C, and to make sure there is no residual fetal tissue remaining in my uterus. After that, we will sit down and have a long talk about where to go from here.
I am going back to work tonight for the first time in a month. I am thankful that I had the last two weeks off, because I got to spend some quality, healing time with my family. It will be strange to be back at work, knowing that the last time I worked, I was still pregnant. I hope I do ok. I cry a lot more these days (even when I try not to), and I hope I don't cry at work. We are just taking things one day at a time now ...
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
healing
The D&C went as well as it could. Every staff member I encountered, from the person at the front desk who registered me to the nurse who wheeled me out to the car at the end of the day, was incredibly kind and compassionate. Each and every staff member also mentioned how much they love Dr. Nash. I have to agree. He is the kindest, gentlest, most compassionate doctor I've ever met. He is definitely in the right profession and specialty. He truly cares about his patients. I went into the OR at 12:05 and woke up in the recovery room at 12:50. I normally have a lot of nausea and vomiting after anesthesia, but they proactively managed that very well, and I had none today. The cramping has gotten more severe as the night has progressed, but they told me that was to be expected. It is definitely bearable. They said I could bleed for a couple weeks.
Physically, I am doing ok. Emotionally, I feel very drained, empty, and sad. It's hard to believe it's all over. Dr. Nash reassured me today that there is nothing I could have done differently to change this outcome. He reminded me that most miscarriages happen because of severe chromosomal abnormalities that are not compatible with life, although it's possible that the subchorionic hemorrhage could have contributed to or caused this miscarriage. He said that the results of fetal tissue biopsy should be back in 4-6 weeks. This should provide us with some answers, especially if there were chromosomal abnormalities. I have a follow-up appointment with him on May 9 (two weeks from now). Since this is my second miscarriage (I had one 8 years ago), he may do some testing on me to check for blood clotting disorders and other issues that could contribute to miscarriages.
We will be spending the weekend with my family at the lake, so it will be comforting to be surrounded by loved ones in a relaxing place. Brian and I are both ready to start healing from this incredibly sad situation. Our journey has encountered a major bump in the road, but I am trying to have faith that we will still end up being parents, somehow.
Physically, I am doing ok. Emotionally, I feel very drained, empty, and sad. It's hard to believe it's all over. Dr. Nash reassured me today that there is nothing I could have done differently to change this outcome. He reminded me that most miscarriages happen because of severe chromosomal abnormalities that are not compatible with life, although it's possible that the subchorionic hemorrhage could have contributed to or caused this miscarriage. He said that the results of fetal tissue biopsy should be back in 4-6 weeks. This should provide us with some answers, especially if there were chromosomal abnormalities. I have a follow-up appointment with him on May 9 (two weeks from now). Since this is my second miscarriage (I had one 8 years ago), he may do some testing on me to check for blood clotting disorders and other issues that could contribute to miscarriages.
We will be spending the weekend with my family at the lake, so it will be comforting to be surrounded by loved ones in a relaxing place. Brian and I are both ready to start healing from this incredibly sad situation. Our journey has encountered a major bump in the road, but I am trying to have faith that we will still end up being parents, somehow.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
it wasn't meant to be ...
The ultrasound this morning confirmed that there is no heartbeat and there has been no growth since last week's ultrasound. There is no doubt that I have miscarried. Over the weekend, I contemplated canceling the D&C and miscarrying naturally, but that can take up to a month. I just want this to be over with, so I am having a D&C with Dr. Nash tomorrow at noon. I will be asleep for it, thank goodness. The procedure should only take a half hour or so, and then I will be in recovery for about an hour and a half. Brian is taking tomorrow off to be with me, so that will be good.
We are both incredibly sad and heartbroken. I thought 2012 was going to be our year. Now, the rest of the year will be difficult as we reach all the milestones that might have been. I was so excited for Mother's Day this year, and now I just want it to pass by. It's hard to believe this is happening. I had to call my new OB this morning to cancel my appointment, and that was very difficult. The emotional roller coaster of the last couple months is one that I would like to never repeat, although I know that if we choose to do another IVF cycle, we will have to endure this roller coaster again. For now, we are going to take time to grieve the loss of our pregnancy and try to heal.
We are both incredibly sad and heartbroken. I thought 2012 was going to be our year. Now, the rest of the year will be difficult as we reach all the milestones that might have been. I was so excited for Mother's Day this year, and now I just want it to pass by. It's hard to believe this is happening. I had to call my new OB this morning to cancel my appointment, and that was very difficult. The emotional roller coaster of the last couple months is one that I would like to never repeat, although I know that if we choose to do another IVF cycle, we will have to endure this roller coaster again. For now, we are going to take time to grieve the loss of our pregnancy and try to heal.
Friday, April 20, 2012
update about next week
The scheduler at Dr. Nash's office called me yesterday afternoon and said that the surgery center's schedule is full for Thursday. So, they rescheduled the possible D&C to Wednesday at noon, with Dr. Nash. They also rescheduled my u/s for Wednesday at 10AM with a different doctor (Dr. Nash won't be in town yet at that point). The more I thought about this last night, the more uneasy I got. If there is no heartbeat on Wednesday morning, then we will have to go straight to the surgery center, and I will have no time to mentally prepare myself for the D&C. I called Dr. Nash's nurse today to ask if I can have the u/s on Monday or Tuesday instead. She rescheduled the u/s to Tuesday at 9:30AM. I guess I am thankful for one less day to be in limbo ... alternately, this means I may have one less day to hold onto the hope that I am going to have this baby. I'm struggling a lot right now ... I am so attached to this baby, and it's not even an inch long yet. I just can't grasp the fact that this pregnancy could be ending next week. We waited so long for this. It just seems so unfair.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
cruel twist of fate
I woke up today with a feeling of doom. I am not saying that I have ESP or anything like that. I just had a bad feeling. Brian met me at Dr. Nash's office, as he does every Thursday morning. Unfortunately, they were running behind and he had to get to work for a meeting, so he had to leave before I even got called back.
When the nurse took me to the exam room, she said that Dr. Nash would be doing a physical exam today, as well as a PAP smear and some cervical cultures. I was confused by this (he did all of these things the first time I met with him, several months ago), but I went with it. When he came in the room, he explained that he was doing all of this so my OB wouldn't have to do it in a few weeks. He joked that he is a full service doctor.
Speaking of my OB ... I was so excited yesterday. I called my OB's office to make my first appointment. They scheduled me to meet with a nurse next Thursday morning, to go over all of my information and history. They also scheduled me to meet with my OB on May 14. A little back story about my OB ... her name is Dr. Shepherd. I first met her in early 2009 during my maternal/fetal clinicals in nursing school. I had the opportunity to watch her deliver three babies. She was amazing, and I knew right then that I wanted her to deliver my baby. Unfortunately, she only accepts new patients when they are pregnant, so I have been waiting a long time to make that phone call.
It was time for the ultrasound. I always watch Dr. Nash's face as he is doing the ultrasound. As soon as he looked at the screen, I knew something was wrong. He had to adjust the screen several times. He's never had to do that before. I had tears in my eyes before he even said anything. He looked at me and said that the heartbeat was faint. I wish I had thought to ask what the heart rate was, but I didn't. *side note: I left a message for the nurse a little while ago to ask that question* I asked him what that meant, and he said it wasn't a good sign. He turned the screen so I could see it. My eyes were full of tears at that point, so I couldn't see the heartbeat. I did notice that my little peanut really looked like a baby for the first time today. It looked bigger, and I could see the head and little arm and leg buds. He told me that he thinks I may be miscarrying. He said there is a chance that everything could turn out ok, but he tends to err on the side of pessimism, so as not to give people false hope. As hard as that was to hear, I respect that he does this.
He said that he wants me to come back for another ultrasound next Wednesday afternoon at 1:15. He also tentatively scheduled me for a D&C on Thursday. He said he hates to do that preemptively, but he needs to put me on the schedule in case it has to be done.
I went into the appointment today thinking of two possible outcomes ... 1. everything looks great, see you in two weeks, or 2. there is no heartbeat, and the pregnancy is no longer viable. I never imagined that I would be kept in limbo for another week. I try to view life in a glass half full perspective, but today I am really having a hard time being hopeful. It hurts too much to be hopeful and then be devastated. I know that I need to think positively for my baby, though. I truly believe that positive energy can make a difference, so I am digging deep to find some. The odds have been against us so many times during this journey, and we have come this far. Maybe things really will turn out ok ... or maybe they won't. I still feel pregnant, so it's hard for me to imagine that things could be ending instead of progressing.
Dr. Nash is keeping me off work and on modified bedrest until next week's appointment. He assured me that there is nothing I did or didn't do that could have caused this or changed the outcome. He could still see the subchorionic hemorrhage on the ultrasound today, and he reminded me that it can sometimes lead to miscarriage. He looked so sad, and that made me feel so sad. Tears were running down my face as he finished up the appointment, and he gently rested his hand on my shoulder and just gave me a comforting look. He is a good man.
I guess I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, and hope that next Wednesday comes quickly (even though I know it won't). Life can be so unfair.
When the nurse took me to the exam room, she said that Dr. Nash would be doing a physical exam today, as well as a PAP smear and some cervical cultures. I was confused by this (he did all of these things the first time I met with him, several months ago), but I went with it. When he came in the room, he explained that he was doing all of this so my OB wouldn't have to do it in a few weeks. He joked that he is a full service doctor.
Speaking of my OB ... I was so excited yesterday. I called my OB's office to make my first appointment. They scheduled me to meet with a nurse next Thursday morning, to go over all of my information and history. They also scheduled me to meet with my OB on May 14. A little back story about my OB ... her name is Dr. Shepherd. I first met her in early 2009 during my maternal/fetal clinicals in nursing school. I had the opportunity to watch her deliver three babies. She was amazing, and I knew right then that I wanted her to deliver my baby. Unfortunately, she only accepts new patients when they are pregnant, so I have been waiting a long time to make that phone call.
It was time for the ultrasound. I always watch Dr. Nash's face as he is doing the ultrasound. As soon as he looked at the screen, I knew something was wrong. He had to adjust the screen several times. He's never had to do that before. I had tears in my eyes before he even said anything. He looked at me and said that the heartbeat was faint. I wish I had thought to ask what the heart rate was, but I didn't. *side note: I left a message for the nurse a little while ago to ask that question* I asked him what that meant, and he said it wasn't a good sign. He turned the screen so I could see it. My eyes were full of tears at that point, so I couldn't see the heartbeat. I did notice that my little peanut really looked like a baby for the first time today. It looked bigger, and I could see the head and little arm and leg buds. He told me that he thinks I may be miscarrying. He said there is a chance that everything could turn out ok, but he tends to err on the side of pessimism, so as not to give people false hope. As hard as that was to hear, I respect that he does this.
He said that he wants me to come back for another ultrasound next Wednesday afternoon at 1:15. He also tentatively scheduled me for a D&C on Thursday. He said he hates to do that preemptively, but he needs to put me on the schedule in case it has to be done.
I went into the appointment today thinking of two possible outcomes ... 1. everything looks great, see you in two weeks, or 2. there is no heartbeat, and the pregnancy is no longer viable. I never imagined that I would be kept in limbo for another week. I try to view life in a glass half full perspective, but today I am really having a hard time being hopeful. It hurts too much to be hopeful and then be devastated. I know that I need to think positively for my baby, though. I truly believe that positive energy can make a difference, so I am digging deep to find some. The odds have been against us so many times during this journey, and we have come this far. Maybe things really will turn out ok ... or maybe they won't. I still feel pregnant, so it's hard for me to imagine that things could be ending instead of progressing.
Dr. Nash is keeping me off work and on modified bedrest until next week's appointment. He assured me that there is nothing I did or didn't do that could have caused this or changed the outcome. He could still see the subchorionic hemorrhage on the ultrasound today, and he reminded me that it can sometimes lead to miscarriage. He looked so sad, and that made me feel so sad. Tears were running down my face as he finished up the appointment, and he gently rested his hand on my shoulder and just gave me a comforting look. He is a good man.
I guess I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing, and hope that next Wednesday comes quickly (even though I know it won't). Life can be so unfair.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
All is well. :)
Brian and I got to see the most beautiful sight today ... the tiny flutter of our sweet baby's heart!! It was amazing to see!! Dr. Nash found the heartbeat right away! We all (Dr. Nash included) breathed a huge sigh of relief. He said that everything looks perfect! He can still see the subchorionic hemorrhage, but he said that it is stable, and as long as the baby continues to grow appropriately, he is not too concerned about the bleed. He said that there was significant growth just from Monday to today. The bleeding has mostly stopped ... I am still spotting, but Dr. Nash said this is to be expected.
He confirmed my due date ... December 3rd! For some reason, the picture shows the due date as December 5th (my Dad's birthday!) ... I'm not sure why.
Dr. Nash initially told me this morning that he wanted to see me in two weeks for another ultrasound. After my appointment, I called his nurse to find out if I need to be on any restrictions for the bleed (I was on bedrest this week). She said that she wants me to take it easy and not go back to work until next weekend. She wants me to come back for an ultrasound next Thursday morning to make sure the bleed is still stable. Then, they will release me to go back to work.
What a week it has been!!! We are so happy and relieved that we were able to see the heartbeat today. It's amazing that the heartbeat can be detected so early!
I will update again next Thursday after the ultrasound. :)
He confirmed my due date ... December 3rd! For some reason, the picture shows the due date as December 5th (my Dad's birthday!) ... I'm not sure why.
 | |||
| The black circle in the middle of the picture is the gestational sac. The bean-shaped item at the top of the gestational sac is our sweet baby. :) |
Dr. Nash initially told me this morning that he wanted to see me in two weeks for another ultrasound. After my appointment, I called his nurse to find out if I need to be on any restrictions for the bleed (I was on bedrest this week). She said that she wants me to take it easy and not go back to work until next weekend. She wants me to come back for an ultrasound next Thursday morning to make sure the bleed is still stable. Then, they will release me to go back to work.
What a week it has been!!! We are so happy and relieved that we were able to see the heartbeat today. It's amazing that the heartbeat can be detected so early!
I will update again next Thursday after the ultrasound. :)
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